Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 4

shade"_). "CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR MAJESTY, ON THE 400TH ANNIVERSARY!"]
[If the following have been omitted from the Catalogue, any visitor to Eton is entitled to call on the Provost, Fellows, and Head Master, and ask for an explanation.]
1. "_I'm Monarch of all I Survey._" Original copy of ballad sung by the First Eton Ten-oar.
2. Old Sketch (landscape) of the Very Cross Roads near Surley Hall. Also portrait of SURLY HALL himself.
3. "A Night on the Brocas." Old poem, supposed to be the original of the scene "on the Brocken" in Faust. A curious mistake of GOETHE's, probably due to his not having been educated at Eton.
4. The original "funny" owned by Master JOSEPH MILLER, supposed to have provided him with the notion for his first jest.
*** Also the original jest itself, bottled in high spirits, and in a fair state of preservation. As clearly as can be deciphered, the legend is something about "an Indian," "an oarsman," and "feathering a scull," or "skull."
5. A dissertation on the text that "The weakest goes to the Wall," showing how this proverb has been for many years directly contradicted, not only in theory but in practice during the Foot-ball time; it being at Eton the strongest who invariably go to "the Wall."
6. A finely illustrated poem on a bathing subject. It is called "The Passing of Arthur." The picture shows the Masters on the bank at Cuckoo Ware, while one small natational Candidate is still in a punt shiveringly awaiting the command to jump in again and swim the regulation distance. From the title, it may be taken for granted that this ARTHUR did "pass" after all. Poor little chap!
7. "Going a Cropper off the Acropperlis at Athens." Another bathing subject--unsigned.
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MOMUS ON MANIPUR.
Sentiment, GORST, to your stern soul, May seem a "Simple Simon;" But if there be a cheaper _r?le_, 'Tis that of twopenny Timon!
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Twin MOTTO.--"_You mustn't speak to the Man at the Wheel_" has become a proverbial expression. It stood alone. Now it has a companion; it comes from the hand of "A Master." It is, "_You must not speak to the Gentlemen of the Jury._" The exceptions which prove this rule are in favour of the Judge, the Counsel, the Clerk, and the Usher.
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THE LOST SERGEANT.
[In a recent case before Mr. Justice CHITTY, a doubt was expressed as to whether there was still such an officer as the Sergeant-at-Arms attending the Courts. His services had not been required since 1879. After some inquiry, however, he was discovered.]
SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, where wert thou? Haply pensioned In some remote and solitary spot; By lips judicial never even mentioned, The Courts forgetting, by the Courts forgot. Far from thy kind in some provincial village, Didst thou devote thy hoary age to tillage?
Didst thou, perchance to lower heights declining Lately, as busman, strike for higher pay? Or, to the lash of fate thy soul resigning, Wear a red cap and drive a brewer's dray? Or didst thou on a hansom seek to fleece men, And scorn the fair, and battle with policemen?
Or, didst thou play (as often I have seen a Musician play in snow, or sleet, or rain) The cornet or expansive concertina Outside a public-house, and all in vain? Music hath charms, but public-house men mock it, Let loose an oath, but button up their pocket.
Or, didst thou write, as some have done, a shocker, And sell it on the stalls of Mr. SMITH? Or, write us versicles like FREDERICK LOCKER, Or, ANDREW-LANG-like, talk about a myth? Or, by thine own success amazed and staggered, Make Zulus make thee rich, like Mr. HAGGARD?
Or, like BUCHANAN, didst thou quite exhaust in One volume such abuse as fits a barge? Twitter and chirp like Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN, Or make a trifle mystically large, Like SWINBURNE, round whose verse the fog grows stronger Just in proportion as his lines are longer?
Whate'er thou didst, where'er thou wert, we found thee. "Behold!" we cried, "the Sergeant reappears." Let not our welcome overmuch astound thee, Whom we have missed through twelve unhappy years. Restored at length to England, home, and beauty, Sergeant-at-Arms advance, and do thy duty!
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ANCIENT "BLOCK SYSTEM" AT ETON.
[Illustration: The Head Master. "Here's wishing you well!"
N.B.--The rod may not be a _whack-simile_ of the original, but our old Eton Boy says _it is quite near enough_, and, "in his position at the time," as he adds with truth, "it was impossible to see it."]
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The 'Bus Strike being at an end, the newspapers will discontinue writing _de Omnibus rebus_, and must employ themselves upon quibusdam aliis.
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"JUST A GOIN' TO BEGIN."--The Fourth Centenary of the Foundation of Eton College is the Festival of the _First Saint 'Enery_.
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