Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 2

Cathedral? If so, as each quire means twenty-four sheets, there'll he quite a "Surplice Stock."
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CONTRIBUTION BY OUR OWN "MULEY HASSAN."--_Puzzle_--To find "three Single Gentlemen rolled into one?" _Answer_--Sir EUAN SMITH. _Explanation_--Sir, You, an' SMITH. [Exit MULEY HASSAN _going to Bray._
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Why ought a Quack's attendance on a patient to be gratis?--Because he is No-Fee-sician.
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[Illustration: "LA-BOUCHE-RE(-NARD) ET LES RAISINS."]
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[Illustration: A MERE PREJUDICE.
_Tourist._ "I SEE YOU EMPLOY A GOOD MANY WOMEN ABOUT HERE, FARMER."
_Farmer._ "HAVE TO DO, HARVEST-TIME, SIR; BUT FOR MYSELF I MUCH PREFER MANUAL LABOUR!"]
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MORE REASONS FOR STOPPING IN TOWN.
_Commodore Buncombe._ Because I know those infernal Tentonners, and ---- Chartreuse jaune only makes me worse.
_William Sikes._ Because of the gross incompetence of my Counsel, and the ridiculous adverse prepossessions of the Jury at my recent appearance in public at the C.C.C.
_McStinger._ Because there's bonny braw air on the braes of Hampstead, and it costs but a bawbee to get intil it.
_Fitz-Fluke._ Because, since that awkward affair at the Roulette Club, my country invitations haven't come in.
_Capel Courtney._ Because those beastly bucket-shops have collared all our business.
_Bumpshus, M.P._ Because the Lords of the Treasury (shabby crew of place-hunters) declined to adopt my suggestion, and to place a trooper, thoroughly well found, victualled, and overhauled, at the disposal of any Members of the Lower House whose profound sense of duty, and of the importance of the Imperial Federation idea, impelled them to take a six-months' trip round the world at the nation's expense.
_Theodore John Hook Straight._ Because of the old trouble--"got a complaint in the chest."
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[Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS.
Toper Major (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). I shay, ol' f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp--at Philup-popple--
_Toper Minor._ I know, ol'f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo--
_Toper Major._ Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!
[_They drink._]
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"THE SPEECH OF MONKEYS."--Professor R.L. GARNER, who is a great hand at "getting his Monkey up" (he was naturally a bit annoyed at being, quite recently, accidentally prevented from giving his Monkey lecture), is about to commence operations by adapting the old song of "_Let us be Happy Together_" to Monkey Language, when it will re-appear as "Let us be Apey Together." It will be first given at Monkey Island on Thames.
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CRICKETERS WHO OUGHT TO BE GOOD HANDS AT PLAYING A TIE.--"The Eleven of Notts."
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UN-BROCKEN VOWS.
Walpurgis Brocken Night at Crystal Palace last Thursday--Grand! Jupiter Pluvius suspended buckets, and celestial water-works rested awhile to make way for Terrestrial Fire-works. "Todgers's can do it when it likes," as all Martin-Chuzzlewiters know, and BROCK can do it too when he likes. _à propos_ of DICKENS' quotation above, it is on record that _Mr. Pickwick_ was once addressed as "Old Fireworks." Where? When? and How? _Mr. Pickwick_, we are led to infer by the commentary thereon, somewhat objected to the term, unless our Pickwickian memory fail us--which is not improbable--but Mr. BROCK would appropriate it to himself with pleasure, and be "'proud o' the title' as the Living Skeleton said." Despite wind and weather, and contretemps generally, BROCK has never brocken faith with the public. "_Facta non verba_" is his motto: and "_Facta_" means (here) Fire-works.
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"GREAT BRITAIN AND THE GILBERT ISLANDS."--Captain DAVIS of H.M. Screw Cruiser Royalist, on May 27, formally annexed "The Gilbert Islands." Where was SULLIVAN? Or is it that Sir ARTHUR, having been annexed as a Knight, was unable to interfere? Will D'OYLY CARTE explain?
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THE MENAGERIE RACE.
SCENE--_The terrace in front of Hauberk Hall, which the_ LARKSPURS have taken for the Summer. TIME--_An August afternoon. Miss STELLA LARKSPUR--a young lady with great energy and a talent for organisation--has insisted upon all the Guests taking part in a Menagerie Race._
_The Rev. Ninian Headnote, the Local Curate_ (_to Mr. PLUMLEY DUFF--after uneasily regarding Miss STELLA, as she shakes up some pieces of folded paper in a hat_). Can you give me any idea of the precise nature of this amusement--er--nothing resembling a gambling transaction, I suppose?--or I really--
_Mr. Plumley Duff_. Well, I'm given to understand that we shall each be expected to take an animal of some sort, and drive it along with a string tied to its leg. Sounds childish--to me.
The Curate (_relieved_). Oh, exactly, I see. Most entertaining, I'm sure! (_He coos._) What wonderful ingenuity one sees in devising ever-fresh pastimes, do we not? Indeed, yes!
Miss Stella. There, I've shuffled all the animals now. (Presenting the hat.) Mr. HEADNOTE, will you draw first?
The Curate. Oh, really. Am I to take one of these? Charmed! (_He draws._) Now I wonder what my fate--(Opening the paper.) The Monkey! (_His face falls._) Is there a Monkey here? Dear me, how very