Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 7

of the old country church (Act III.)
is a masterpiece of scenic art and stage arrangement,--a perfect picture

by Mr. W. HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the
_dénoûment_ of the interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me
of a pictorial heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette or
The London Journal. It is a very weak finish, and not strengthened or
improved in any way by the line _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, has to
say, on which the Curtain descends. And what does everybody exclaim
afterwards? Simply, "Why there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We
thought we should see him again, and that he would come out all right
at last." That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their favourite
first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, unless the
character be exceptionally amusing. Lady Bountiful might be termed "A
bald piece," because it has so little HARE.
* * * * *
THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE!
(_WHEN NO DOUBT IT WILL BE CONDUCTED ON STRICTLY
SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLES._)
The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event in the
Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored at Putney.
Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training _mufti_, which
contrasted strongly with the garb of the sixteenth--a complete suit of
flannels. "To quote our ancestors--'Why this thusness?'" asked the
Camford Stroke, as he recognised one of his own men in this strange
apparel.
"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to pull in
tweeds?"
"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of the Oxbridge
Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the matter in a more
satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in the Nineties to race in real
earnest, but now that we have reached the Twentieth Century our
civilisation teaches something better."
"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we had better

get at once to business. Who has the sworn information of our
respective coaches?"
"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating Clubs; "and, if
you will allow me, I will produce them--or rather _it_, for the coaches
have affirmed jointly."
All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on his
spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, and read as
follows:--
"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has an advantage
over Camford, which is only lessened, and certainly not entirely
removed, by the better training of the latter. Moreover, the steering of
the Oxbridge coxwain is infinitely preferable to the steering of his rival.
The times of the various trials, too, have in every instance given a
distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they have a better boat. So,
given fine weather, the result is a foregone conclusion. Oxbridge must
win, although no doubt Camford would make a good fight for it, and
come in a respectable second."
"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the Camford
Stroke, with rather a forced laugh.
"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In a company
of gentlemen like those present, accidents always are barred!"
"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose our
committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest Double First
have considered what I may call the atmospheric conditions under
which the race would have taken place?"
"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all unfavourable to the
success of Camford," was the ready reply.
"Then I think we have but one more thing to do--to give three hearty
cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge Stroke, and a minute later
the rafters rang with loud applause.

"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the gentleman in
flannels--he was a Freshman--a little later. "Surely that would have
been more satisfactory."
"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival of the fittest!"
and his answer afforded general satisfaction.
* * * * *
SHELLEY REVISED.
Most rhyming men Are cradled into poetry by fashion, And learn as
formula what they print as passion.
* * * * *
_The Development of Africa_, by A.S. WHITE, is advertised. This is
White on Black, and no player in hand. It should be immediately
followed by _Black on White, or Who takes the Pool?_ Exciting match,
with one life each.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED.
Jones. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN MY HAT,
AND LEFT THIS FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD THING
INSTEAD!"
Brown. "A--I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT THAT HAPPENS TO BE
MY HAT!"]
* * * * *
KEPT IN THE STABLE.
_HEAD GROOM B-LF-R LOQ._:--
Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or blunder, Gov's fondness for

_Tithe_, or bad weather, or what, You're kept