Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 5

need scarcely say, were most welcome, and afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the necessary dryness that characterised, perforce, the proceedings. As the hands of the clock progressed, waiters carried into the Committee, various light refreshments, such as brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My colleagues, too, when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties of their profession, partook of the viands with which they had provided themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper bags, once occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed at the clock. It was past two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my voice was becoming weak from famine. This would never do, and might endanger my clients' interests. I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON. He was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could not possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made up my mind to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the corridor before I had entered the room, and hurriedly left my seat. I pushed my way through the public, and had scarcely got outside when I found my faithful clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry making post-haste towards me.
"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust the invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands; "run, Sir, run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"
Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my subordinate I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that the examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself together. I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My voice was in excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been reached. I knew that it was now or never. I had this great chance of distinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thousands a-year. I imagined my children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and pair, my address in Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my careful attention to their interests. The moment at length arrived. I rose to cross-examine.
"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the situation, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was striking terror into the heart of the witness before me, I am going to put a few questions to you!"
"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly--"you will do nothing of the sort. You were not present during the whole of the witness's * * * * * I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and sherry had ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage and pair) for ever!
_Pump-Handle Court_. (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
* * * * *
OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;
OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.
NO. I.--AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.
Have you some nice houses to let furnished?--Here is our Catalogue, Sir.--I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; "sanitation perfect;" where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine advertisement?--It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).--What is "Queen Anne"?--Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but Queen Anne is (the) last.--Is then sanitation also something?--It is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his, her,) eyes.--Can we have some nice furniture?--You can have (the furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M'Adam, or Louis-Quinze.--It is too dear.--No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever carpenter.--I was done by you or by your brother; I require a room for my mother-in-law (neuter).--The good mother-in-law sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-law prefers the best bed-room.--How many persons are you?--We are sixteen.--You are, indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.--Is not the noble drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?--On the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room near the chandelier.--Where is the "moderate-sized garden"?--It is on the leads with the broken flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine or feminine).--Is it then much larger than a postage-stamp?--Decidedly not, Sir. It is also nearly as sticky. Much rain produces weeds.--Where are "the bath-rooms"? I only perceived a watering-pot.--Any rooms in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.--What is then the price?--The exorbitant client of the first-class agent demands four hundred guineas for the season.--It is too much.--He would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the same.--Here are "Commanding mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and "Desirable residences."--It is not difficult; the mansion that has a back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the newly-married, or the