Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 3

agitation in that country) points out that the relations between the Chinese and the foreign missionaries have been those of peace and goodwill, and that the Christians are protected by treaty and by Imperial edicts, and commands the Governors and Lieutenant-Governors to protect the Christians and put down the leaders in the riots.]
Many writers remark,-- And their language is plain, That for cruelty dark, And for jealousy vain, The Heathen Chinee is _peculiar_,-- In future perhaps they'll refrain.
AH-SIN has his faults, Which one cannot deny; And some recent assaults On the mis-sion-a-ry, Have been worthy of--say Christian Russia, When dealing with small Hebrew fry.
But the EMPEROR seems stirred Persecution to bar, Which it might be inferred That I mean the White CZAR; But I don't. On the Muscovite C?SAR Such charity clearly would jar.
_He's_ always the same, And he'll not stay his hand; The poor Jews are fair game In a great "Christian" Land; But the Lord of the Pencil Vermilion Rebukes his fanatical band.
A Heathen--of course!-- (Whilst the CZAR is a Saint) But a sign of remorse At the Christian's complaint May be seen in the edict he's issued, Which might make a great Autocrat faint.
A Christian, 'tis true, To a Heathen Chinee Is as bad as a Jew Must undoubtedly be To an orthodox Christian of Russdom, Too "pious" for mere Char-i-tee.
So one Emperor stones His poor Israelites, Whilst the other one owns Even Christians have "rights," And, although they're (of course) "foreign devils," Their peace with good-will he requites.
Which is why, I maintain (And my language is free) That the CZAR, though he's vain Of his Or-tho-dox-y, Might learn from his Emperor cousin, Though he's only a Heathen Chinee!
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NEWS OF "OUR HENRY" (_communicated by Mr. J.L. T-LE_).--To our interviewer the eminent actor replied, "Yes, suffering from bad sore throat, but may talk, as it's hoarse exercise which has been recommended. A stirrup-cup at parting? By all means. My cob is an excellent trotter, so I pledge you, with a bumper well-in-hand. Good-day!" And so saying, he gaily waved his plumed hat, and rode away.
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"RATHER A LARGE ORDER."--"The Order of the Elephant" conferred on President CARNOT by the King of Denmark. This should include an Order for the Grand Trunk, in which to carry it about. The proper person to receive this Order is evidently the Grand Duke of Tusk-any.
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[Illustration: CONFIDENCES OF A MATURE SIREN.
"I ADMIT I'M NOT AS HANDSOME AS I USED TO BE; BUT I'M TWICE AS DANGEROUS!"]
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THE UNHYGIENIC HOUSEHOLDER.
_AFTER READING THE REPORTS OF THE CONGRESS._
[Illustration]
Tell me not in many a column, I must pull up all my drains; Or with faces long and solemn, Threaten me with aches and pains. Let me end this wintry summer, 'Mid the rain as best I may, Without calling in the plumber, For he always comes to stay.
I appreciate the Prince's Shrewd remarks about our lot; But the horror he evinces At our dangers, frights me not. Science in expostulation, Shows our rules of health are wrong; But in days when sanitation Was unknown, men lived as long.
If the air with microbes thickens, Like some mirk malefic mist, Tell me prithee how the dickens We can manage to exist. From the poison breathed each minute, Man ere this had surely died; When we see the fell things in it, On the microscopic slide.
I'm aware we're oft caught napping, And the scientist can say, That our yawning drains want trapping, Lest the deadly typhoid stay. Even with your house in order, If you go to take the air, So to speak, outside your border, Lo! the merry germs are there.
Doctors vow, in tones despotic, I must dig 'neath basement floors, Lest diseases called zymotic Enter in at all my pores. PARKES, of sanitation master, Wanted "purity and light;" I'm content to risk disaster, With unhygienic night.
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QUEER QUERIES.--HYMENEAL.--I have been asked to attend the wedding of a friend, and respond to the toast of "The Ladies." I have never done such a thing before, and feel rather nervous about it. My friend says that I must "try and be very comic." I have thought of one humorous remark--about the "weaker sex" being really stronger--which I fancy will be effective, but I can't think of another. Would one good joke of that sort be sufficient? _�� propos_ of the lady marksman at Bisley, I should like to advise all ladies to "try the Butts," only I am afraid this might be taken for a reference to the President of the Divorce Division. How could I work the Jackson case in neatly? Would it be allowable to pin my speech on the wedding-cake, and read it off? Also, could I wear a mask?