Potash and Perlmutter Settle Things

and Perlmutter Settle Things, by Montague Glass

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Title: Potash and Perlmutter Settle Things
Author: Montague Glass
Release Date: November 28, 2006 [EBook #19948]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS
BOOKS BY MONTAGUE GLASS
POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS WORRYING WON'T WIN
HARPER & BROTHERS NEW YORK [ESTABLISHED 1817]

[Illustration: "he gives himself dead away by getting sore."]

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS
by
MONTAGUE GLASS
Author of "Worrying Won't Win"
Harper & Brothers Publishers New York and London

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS
Copyright, 1919, by Harper & Brothers Printed in the United States of America Published September, 1919

CONTENTS
CHAP. PAGE
I. THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT 1
II. SETTLING THE PRELIMINARIES 15
III. THE PRESIDENT'S VISIT TO ENGLAND 24
IV. EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING SATISFACTORILY--MAYBE 33
V. THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE--IT NEEDS PUBLICITY 42
VI. JOINING THE LEGION OF HONOR 52
VII. SOME CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS FOR THE KAISER 62
VIII. IT ENTERS ON ITS NO-GOLD-CASKET PHASE 72
IX. WORRYING SHOULD BEGIN AT HOME, AIN'T IT? 82
X. THE NEW HUNGARIAN RHAPSODY 92
XI. IT IS STILL UP IN THE AIR, BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TRANSATLANTIC VOYAGES 102
XII. THIS HERE VICTORY LIBERTY LOAN 112
XIII. WHEN IS A SECRET TREATY SECRET? 122
XIV. THE FIRST DAY OF MAY 132
XV. THE PEACE TREATY AS GOOD READING 142
XVI. THE GERMAN ROMAN HOLIDAY AND THE AMERICANIZATION OF AMERICANS 152
XVII. MR. WILSON'S FAVOR OF THE 20TH ULTO. AND CONTENTS NOTED 162
XVIII. BEING UP IN THE AIR, AS APPLIED TO TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHTS, CROWN JEWELS, AND LEAGUE OF NATIONS SPEECHES 172
XIX. THE LEAK AND OTHER MYSTERIES 182
XX. JULY THE FIRST AND AFTER 192
XXI. WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS, ECONOMICALLY AND THEATRICALLY 202
XXII. THEY DISCUSS THE SIGNING OF IT 212
XXIII. THE RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS IN TOLEDO, OHIO 222
XXIV. FEEDING THE PEACE CONFERENCERS AND THE HOUSEHOLD 232
XXV. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? THIS INCLUDES LIBELED MILLIONAIRES, ENFORCED PROHIBITION, AND 241 SHANTUNG
XXVI. THE APPROACHING ROYAL VISIT 251

ILLUSTRATIONS
"HE GIVES HIMSELF DEAD AWAY BY GETTING SORE" Frontispiece
"I WOULDN'T BLAME CHAIRMAN CLEMENCEAU NEITHER, BECAUSE IF THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE IS GOING TO END THIS SIDE OF NINETEEN-FIFTY, IT'S GOT TO BE SPEEDED UP SOME" Facing p. 44
"A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE IS SO BADLY PREDICTED TO THE LAPEL-BUTTON HABIT THEY WOULD JOIN ANYTHING" " 52
"... WHICH WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT MR. WILSON STARTED IN--IN A SMALL WAY" " 144

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

I
THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT
"Nu, what's the matter now?" Morris Perlmutter asked, as he entered the office one morning after the cessation of hostilities on the western front.
"Ai, tzuris!" Abe moaned in reply, and for at least a minute he continued to rock to and fro in his chair and to make incoherent noises through his nostrils in the manner of a person suffering either from toothache or the recent cancelation of a large order.
"It serves you right," Morris said. "I told you you shouldn't eat that liberty roast at Wasserbauer's yesterday. It used to give you the indigestion when it was known as Koenigsburger Klops, which it is like the German Empire now calling itself the German Republic; changing its name ain't going to alter its poisonous disposition none."
"That's right!" Abe said. "Make jokes, why don't you? You are worser as this here feller Zero."
"What feller Zero?" Morris demanded.
"Zero the emperor what fiddled when Rome was burning," Abe replied. "He's got nothing on you. You would fiddle if Rome, Watertown, and Ogdensburg was burning."
"I don't know what you are talking about at all," Morris said. "And, besides, the feller's name was Nero, not Zero."
"That's what you say," Abe commented, "which you also said that the operators was only bluffing and that they wouldn't strike on us in a thousand years, and considering that you said this only yesterday, Mawruss, it's already wonderful how time flies."
"Well," Morris said, "how could I figure that them lunatics is going to pick out the time when we've got practically no work for them and was going to fire them, anyway, to call a strike on us?"
"You should ought to have figured that way," Abe declared. "Didn't the Kaiser abdicate just before them Germans got ready to kick him out?"
"The king business ain't the garment business," Morris observed.
"I know it ain't," Abe agreed. "Kings has got their worries, too, but when it comes to laying awake nights trying to figure out whether them designers somewheres in France is going to turn out long, full skirts or short, narrow skirts for the fall and winter of nineteen-nineteen