Phantasmagoria and Other Poems | Page 2

never saw?A thing so white and wavy.
And still he seemed to grow more white,?More vapoury, and wavier -?Seen in the dim and flickering light,?As he proceeded to recite?His "Maxims of Behaviour."
CANTO II--Hys Fyve Rules
"My First--but don't suppose," he said,?"I'm setting you a riddle -?Is--if your Victim be in bed,?Don't touch the curtains at his head,?But take them in the middle,
"And wave them slowly in and out,?While drawing them asunder;?And in a minute's time, no doubt,?He'll raise his head and look about?With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence?Make the first observation.?Wait for the Victim to commence:?No Ghost of any common sense?Begins a conversation.
"If he should say 'HOW CAME YOU HERE?'?(The way that YOU began, Sir,)?In such a case your course is clear -?'ON THE BAT'S BACK, MY LITTLE DEAR!'?Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more,?You'd best perhaps curtail your?Exertions--go and shake the door,?And then, if he begins to snore,?You'll know the thing's a failure.
"By day, if he should be alone -?At home or on a walk -?You merely give a hollow groan,?To indicate the kind of tone?In which you mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends,?The thing is rather harder.?In such a case success depends?On picking up some candle-ends,?Or butter, in the larder.
"With this you make a kind of slide?(It answers best with suet),?On which you must contrive to glide,?And swing yourself from side to side -?One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right?In ceremonious calls:-?'FIRST BURN A BLUE OR CRIMSON LIGHT'?(A thing I quite forgot to-night),?'THEN SCRATCH THE DOOR OR WALLS.'"
I said "You'll visit HERE no more,?If you attempt the Guy.?I'll have no bonfires on MY floor -?And, as for scratching at the door,?I'd like to see you try!"
"The Third was written to protect?The interests of the Victim,?And tells us, as I recollect,?TO TREAT HIM WITH A GRAVE RESPECT,?AND NOT TO CONTRADICT HIM."
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,?To any comprehension:?I only wish SOME Ghosts I've met?Would not so CONSTANTLY forget?The maxim that you mention!"
"Perhaps," he said, "YOU first transgressed?The laws of hospitality:?All Ghosts instinctively detest?The Man that fails to treat his guest?With proper cordiality.
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!'?Or strike him with a hatchet,?He is permitted by the King?To drop all FORMAL parleying -?And then you're SURE to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing?Where other Ghosts are quartered:?And those convicted of the thing?(Unless when pardoned by the King)?Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':?Ghosts soon unite anew.?The process scarcely hurts at all -?Not more than when YOU're what you call?'Cut up' by a Review.
"The Fifth is one you may prefer?That I should quote entire:-?THE KING MUST BE ADDRESSED AS 'SIR.'?THIS, FROM A SIMPLE COURTIER,?IS ALL THE LAWS REQUIRE:
"BUT, SHOULD YOU WISH TO DO THE THING?WITH OUT-AND-OUT POLITENESS,?ACCOST HIM AS 'MY GOBLIN KING!?AND ALWAYS USE, IN ANSWERING,?THE PHRASE 'YOUR ROYAL WHITENESS!'
"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,?After so much reciting :?So, if you don't object, my dear,?We'll try a glass of bitter beer -?I think it looks inviting."
CANTO III--Scarmoges
"And did you really walk," said I,?"On such a wretched night??I always fancied Ghosts could fly -?If not exactly in the sky,?Yet at a fairish height."
"It's very well," said he, "for Kings?To soar above the earth:?But Phantoms often find that wings -?Like many other pleasant things -?Cost more than they are worth.
"Spectres of course are rich, and so?Can buy them from the Elves:?But WE prefer to keep below -?They're stupid company, you know,?For any but themselves:
"For, though they claim to be exempt?From pride, they treat a Phantom?As something quite beneath contempt -?Just as no Turkey ever dreamt?Of noticing a Bantam."
"They seem too proud," said I, "to go?To houses such as mine.?Pray, how did they contrive to know?So quickly that 'the place was low,'?And that I 'kept bad wine'?"
"Inspector Kobold came to you--"?The little Ghost began.?Here I broke in--"Inspector who??Inspecting Ghosts is something new!?Explain yourself, my man!"
"His name is Kobold," said my guest:?"One of the Spectre order:?You'll very often see him dressed?In a yellow gown, a crimson vest,?And a night-cap with a border.
"He tried the Brocken business first,?But caught a sort of chill ;?So came to England to be nursed,?And here it took the form of THIRST,?Which he complains of still.
"Port-wine, he says, when rich and sound,?Warms his old bones like nectar:?And as the inns, where it is found,?Are his especial hunting-ground,?We call him the INN-SPECTRE."
I bore it--bore it like a man -?This agonizing witticism!?And nothing could be sweeter than?My temper, till the Ghost began?Some most provoking criticism.
"Cooks need not be indulged in waste;?Yet still you'd better teach them?Dishes should have SOME SORT of taste.?Pray, why are all the cruets placed?Where nobody can reach them?
"That man of yours will never earn?His living as a waiter!?Is that queer THING supposed to burn??(It's far too dismal