Phantasmagoria and Other Poems | Page 4

"I'VE tried it, and can only say
I'm sure you couldn't do it, even
if
you practised night and day,
Unless you have a turn that way,
And
natural ingenuity.
"Shakspeare I think it is who treats
Of Ghosts, in days of old,
Who
'gibbered in the Roman streets,'
Dressed, if you recollect, in sheets -

They must have found it cold.

"I've often spent ten pounds on stuff,
In dressing as a Double;
But,
though it answers as a puff,
It never has effect enough
To make it
worth the trouble.
"Long bills soon quenched the little thirst
I had for being funny.

The setting-up is always worst:
Such heaps of things you want at first,

One must be made of money!
"For instance, take a Haunted Tower,
With skull, cross-bones, and
sheet;
Blue lights to burn (say) two an hour,
Condensing lens of
extra power,
And set of chains complete:
"What with the things you have to hire -
The fitting on the robe -

And testing all the coloured fire -
The outfit of itself would tire
The
patience of a Job!
"And then they're so fastidious,
The Haunted-House Committee:

I've often known them make a fuss
Because a Ghost was French, or
Russ,
Or even from the City!
"Some dialects are objected to -
For one, the IRISH brogue is:
And
then, for all you have to do,
One pound a week they offer you,
And
find yourself in Bogies!
CANTO V--Byckerment
"Don't they consult the 'Victims,' though?"
I said. "They should, by
rights,
Give them a chance--because, you know,
The tastes of
people differ so,
Especially in Sprites."
The Phantom shook his head and smiled.
"Consult them? Not a bit!

'Twould be a job to drive one wild,
To satisfy one single child -

There'd be no end to it!"
"Of course you can't leave CHILDREN free,"
Said I, "to pick and

choose:
But, in the case of men like me,
I think 'Mine Host' might
fairly be
Allowed to state his views."
He said "It really wouldn't pay -
Folk are so full of fancies.
We visit
for a single day,
And whether then we go, or stay,
Depends on
circumstances.
"And, though we don't consult 'Mine Host'
Before the thing's
arranged,
Still, if he often quits his post,
Or is not a well-mannered
Ghost,
Then you can have him changed.
"But if the host's a man like you -
I mean a man of sense;
And if the
house is not too new--"
"Why, what has THAT," said I, "to do
With
Ghost's convenience?"
"A new house does not suit, you know -
It's such a job to trim it:

But, after twenty years or so,
The wainscotings begin to go,
So
twenty is the limit."
"To trim" was not a phrase I could
Remember having heard:

"Perhaps," I said, "you'll be so good
As tell me what is understood

Exactly by that word?"
"It means the loosening all the doors,"
The Ghost replied, and
laughed:
"It means the drilling holes by scores
In all the
skirting-boards and floors,
To make a thorough draught.
"You'll sometimes find that one or two
Are all you really need
To
let the wind come whistling through -
But HERE there'll be a lot to
do!"
I faintly gasped "Indeed!
"If I'd been rather later, I'll
Be bound," I added, trying
(Most
unsuccessfully) to smile,
"You'd have been busy all this while,

Trimming and beautifying?"

"Why, no," said he; "perhaps I should
Have stayed another minute -

But still no Ghost, that's any good,
Without an introduction would

Have ventured to begin it.
"The proper thing, as you were late,
Was certainly to go:
But, with
the roads in such a state,
I got the Knight-Mayor's leave to wait
For
half an hour or so."
"Who's the Knight-Mayor?" I cried. Instead
Of answering my
question,
"Well, if you don't know THAT," he said,
"Either you
never go to bed,
Or you've a grand digestion!
"He goes about and sits on folk
That eat too much at night:
His
duties are to pinch, and poke,
And squeeze them till they nearly
choke."
(I said "It serves them right!")
"And folk who sup on things like these--"
He muttered, "eggs and
bacon -
Lobster--and duck--and toasted cheese -
If they don't get an
awful squeeze,
I'm very much mistaken!
"He is immensely fat, and so
Well suits the occupation:
In point of
fact, if you must know,
We used to call him years ago,
THE
MAYOR AND CORPORATION!
"The day he was elected Mayor
I KNOW that every Sprite meant

To vote for ME, but did not dare -
He was so frantic with despair

And furious with excitement.
"When it was over, for a whim,
He ran to tell the King;
And being
the reverse of slim,
A two-mile trot was not for him
A very easy
thing.
"So, to reward him for his run
(As it was baking hot,
And he was
over twenty stone),
The King proceeded, half in fun,
To knight him
on the spot."

"'Twas a great liberty to take!"
(I fired up like a rocket).
"He did it
just for punning's sake:
'The man,' says Johnson, 'that would make

A pun, would pick a pocket!'"
"A man," said he, "is not a King."
I argued for a while,
And did my
best to prove the thing -
The Phantom merely listening
With a
contemptuous smile.
At last, when, breath and patience spent,
I had recourse to smoking -

"Your