Perks of Being a Wallflower | Page 7

are eating in some restaurant. "As ---- gingerly munched her Chinese
Chicken Salad, she spoke of love." And all the covers say the same thing: "---- gets to the bottom of
stardom, love, and hissther hit new moviesttelevision showstalbum."
I think it's nice for stars to do interviews to make us think they are just like us, but to tell you the truth,
I get the feeling that it's all a big lie. The problem is I don't know who's lying. And I don't know why
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these magazines sell as much as they do. And I don't know why the ladies in the dentist's office like them
as much as they do. A Saturday ago, I was in the dentist's office, and I heard this conversation.
"Did you see that movie?" as she points to the cover.
"I did. I saw it with Harold."
"What do you think?"
"She is just lovely."
"Yeah. She is."
"Oh, I have this new recipe."
"Low-fat?"
"Uh-huh."
"Do you have some time tomorrow?"
"No. Why don't you have Mike fax it to Harold?"
"Okay."
Then, these ladies started talking about the one star I mentioned before, and they both had very
strong opinions.
"I think it's disgraceful."
"Did you read the interview in Good Housekeeping?"
"A few months back?"
"Uh-huh."
"Disgraceful."
"Did you read the one in Cosmopolitan?"
"No."
"God, it was practically the same interview."
"I don't know why they give her the time of day."
The fact that one of these ladies was my mom made me feel particularly sad because my mom is
beautiful. And she's always on a diet. Sometimes, my dad calls her beautiful, but she cannot hear him.
Incidentally, my dad is a very good husband. He's just pragmatic.
After the dentist's office, my mom drove me to the cemetery where a lot of her relatives are buried.
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My dad does not like to go to the cemetery because it gives him the creeps. But I don't mind going at all
because my Aunt Helen is buried there. My mom was always the pretty one, as they say, and my Aunt
Helen was always the other one. The nice thing was my Aunt Helen was never on a diet. And my Aunt
Helen was "corpulent." Hey, I did it!
My Aunt Helen would always let us kids stay up and watch Saturday Night Live when she was
baby-sitting or when she was living with us and my parents went to another couple's house to get drunk
and play board games. When I was very little, I remember going to sleep, while my brother and sister
and Aunt Helen watched Love Boat and Fantasy Island. I could never stay awake when I was that
little, and I wish I could, because my brother and sister talk about those moments sometimes. Maybe it's
sad that these are now memories. And maybe it's not sad. And maybe it's just the fact that we loved
Aunt Helen, especially me, and this was the time we could spend with her.
I won't start listing television episode memories, except one because I guess we're on the subject, and
it seems like something everyone can relate to in a small way. And since I don't know you, I figure that
maybe I can write about something that you can relate to.
The family was sitting around, watching the final episode of More"inA"inSo"inHave, and I'll never
forget it even though I was very young. My mom was crying. My sister was crying. My brother was using
every ounce of strength he had not to cry. And my dad left during one of the final moments to make a
sandwich. Now, I don't remember much about the program itself because I was too young, but my dad
never left to make a sandwich except during commercial breaks, and then he usually just sent my mom. I
walked to the kitchen, and I saw my dad making a sandwich ... and crying. He was crying harder than
even my mom. And I couldn't believe it. When he finished making his sandwich, he put away the things in
the refrigerator and stopped