On Something | Page 5

had been imprisoned for some years according to the paragraph that
followed the extract I am about to give. That the aforesaid Tindersturm
did indeed tend to "stir up religious and racial strife," nay, went
somewhat out of his way to do it, will be clear enough when you read
the following lines from his little broadsheet:
"It is time for us to go for this caddish alien sect. If on your way home
from the theatre you meet the blue-eyed, tow-haired, lolloping gang,
whether they be youths or ladies, go right up to them and give them a
smart smack, left and right, a blow in the eye; and lift your foot and
give the tow-headed ones a kick. In this way must we begin the
business. My Fatherland, wake up!"
To this extract poor Capricorn has added the word "Excellent," and the
same comment he makes upon the following conclusion to a letter
written to a religious paper and dealing with some politician or other
who had done something which the correspondent did not like:
"That his eyes may be opened while he lives is the prayer of
"Yours truly,
"AN EARNEST MEMBER OF THE FOLD"
From such a series it is a recreation to turn to the little social
paragraphs which gave Capricorn such acute and such continual joy; as,
for instance, this:
"Mrs. Harry Bacon wishes it to be known that she has ceased to have
any connection whatsoever with the Boudoir for Lost Dogs. Her
address is still Hermione House, Bourton-on-the-Water Fenton Marsh,

Worcester."
There is much more in the notebook with which I could while away the
reader's time did space permit of it. I find among the very last entries,
for instance, this:
"It was a strenuous and thrilling contest. Some terrible blows were
exchanged. In the last round, however, Schmidt landed his opponent a
very nasty one under the chin, stretching him out lifeless and breaking
his elbow; whereupon the prize was awarded him."
To this joyous gem Capricorn has added a whole foison of annotations.
He asks at the end: "Which was 'him'? Important." And he underlines in
red ink the word "however," perhaps as mysterious a copulative as has
ever appeared in British prose. I should add that Capricorn himself was
an ardent sportsman and very rarely missed any of the first-class events
of the ring, though personally he did not box, and on the few occasions
when I have seen the exercise forced upon him in the public streets he
showed the greatest distaste to this form of athletics.
Lastly, I find this note with which I must close: it is taken from the
verbatim report of a great case in the courts, now half forgotten, but ten
years ago the talk of London:
"The witness then said that he had been promised an independence for
life if he could discover the defendant in the act of enclosing any part
of the land, or any document or order of his involving such an
enclosure. He therefore watched the defendant regularly from June,
1896, to the middle of July, 1900. He also watched the defendant's
father and mother, three boys, married daughter, grandmother and
grandfather, his two married sisters, his brother, his agent, and his
agent's wife--but he had discovered nothing."
That such a sentence should have been printed in the English language
and delivered by an English mouth in an English witness-box was
enough for Capricorn. Give him that alone for intellectual food in his
desert lodge and he was happy.
Shall I tempt Providence by any further extracts? ... It is difficult to tear
oneself away from such a feast. So let me put in this very last, really
the last, by way of savoury. There it is in black and white and no one
can undo it: not all her piety, nor all her wit. It dates from the year 1904,
when, Heaven knows, the internal combustion engine and its
possibilities were not exactly new, and I give it word for word:

"The Duchess is, moreover, a pioneer in the use of the motor-car. She
finds it an agreeable and speedy means of conveyance from her country
seat to her town house, and also a very practical way of getting to see
her friends at week-ends. She has been heard to complain, however,
that a substitute for the pneumatic tyre less liable to puncture than it is
would be a priceless boon."
There! There! May they all rest in peace! They have added to the gaiety
of mankind.

ON UNKNOWN PEOPLE
You will often hear it said that it is astonishing such and such work
should be present and enduring in the world, and yet the name of its
author not known; but when one considers the variety