Oh, Murderer Mine | Page 4

He had a
naively appealing smile and a smooth, roundly pink face. He moved his

head to indicate the dog and said:
"I use him for a decoy. While people gape at him, I sneak up behind
them and pinch them."
"P-pinch them?" Melissa repeated, shying away.
"A slang expression," the man explained. "I mean, I arrest them. I'm a
detective. What are you?"
"An anthropologist."
"Oh," said the man. "You study apes and like that?"
"No! Certainly not! Anthropology is the study of mankind. We study
apes only because you can learn a lot about men from them."
"I'll bet that's the truth," said the man. "My name is Doan. What's your
name?"
"Melissa Gregory."
"Hello," said Doan. "That's Carstairs in front of you. He works with
me--that is, when he's not working against me or just not working."
"He looks like a very good dog."
"That's what he looks like," Doan agreed. "I've got a word of warning
for you."
"A what?" Melissa asked, staring at him.
"A word to the wise. Lay off the bird in your office. He's not for sale or
for rent."
"What?" said Melissa.
"Eric Trent," Doan explained. "Mustn't touch."

"What?" said Melissa.
Doan sighed. "You must not make passes at Eric Trent. That is
verboten."
Melissa's eyes narrowed. "I don't believe I like the idea you're selling.
Suppose you elaborate on it..."
"It's simple," Doan told her. "I keep females from making love to Eric
Trent."
"Well, why?"
"Because I've been hired to do it. And, believe me, it's a full-time job.
Women fall for him in squads. I mean, they would fall--over
backwards--if I didn't stop them."
"I understand the words you're saying," Melissa said. "But they don't
seem to make sense. Are you seriously telling me that this--this person
has a bodyguard to keep women from falling to love with him?"
"That's right," Doan agreed. "And I'm it."
Melissa shook her head groggily. "Well, why? I mean, I'll agree, just
for the sake of argument, that there might be one or two women in the
world hard up enough or dumb enough to want that insolent imbecile,
but they're the type who would deserve him if they got him. Why
should either he or you worry about them?"
"We're not," said Doan. "But his wife is."
"Oh. He's married?"
"And how."
"Hmmm," said Melissa. "Now wait a minute. I'm just catching up with
you. You have the barefaced insolence to warn me. I think I'll slap your
face."

"Don't," Doan warned. "Carstairs will bite you if you do. Not that he
cares anything about me, but he would feel it was a reflection on him."
Melissa looked at Carstairs. He was lying down on the floor with his
eyes shut.
"Don't let him fool you," said Doan. "He's ready to go into instant
action. He's just pretending he's not interested."
"Hmmm," said Melissa. "You know, this is all sort of fascinating in a
repugnant way, and I know I've seen this Trent party before, but I can't
remember where. Have you any idea where I could have seen him?"
"Yes," said Doan.
"Well, where?"
"His wife is Heloise of Hollywood."
"Heloise," Melissa repeated. "Of Hollywood. Oh!"
"Oh," Doan agreed.
"Now wait," said Melissa. "Now wait a minute...I know! He's
Handsome Lover Boy!"
"Yup," said Doan.
"Stay right here!" Melissa ordered. "I'll be right, back?"
She ran down the hall and through the malodorous gloom of the chem
lab. The door of Number 5 was open, and her notes were arranged in
well-ordered confusion all over the floor and the swaybacked desk.
Melissa dug through them, spewing lecture fragments in all directions,
until she found the current issue of a large and slick and all too popular
woman's magazine. She trotted back to the hall, thumbing eagerly
through the back pages of the magazine.
"Wait, now," she said. "I know I saw one... Here!" It was a full-page ad.

In the upper left-hand corner there was a portrait photograph of a very
handsome young man in a naval officer's dress whites. The very
handsome young man was Eric Trent. Under it there was a message in
artistically slanted and swirly facsimile handwriting.
"... and I can hardly bear the thought of the endless, weary days that
must somehow pass before I can find safe haven once more in the dear
circle of your strong arms... but I too know my duty, dear one... and I
shall keep alive the beauty that charmed you... keep it alive and
glowing until your return, my own handsome lover boy..."
"Doesn't that make you feel like you just picked up a dead fish?"
Melissa asked.
"Sort of," Doan agreed.
"I thought it was just an advertising gag," Melissa said. "I had no idea
that anyone in the world would