Observations by Mr Dooley | Page 7

now that th' dog did
not elope, that he didn't commit suicide an' that he was not kidnaped be
his rayturnin' parents. So far so good. Now I'll tell ye who stole th' dog.
Yisterdah afthernoon I see a suspicious lookin' man goin' down th'
sthreet. I say he was suspicious lookin' because he was not disguised
an' looked ivry wan in th' face. He had no dog with him. A damning
circumstance, Watson, because whin he'd stolen th' dog he niver wud
've taken it down near Dorsey's house. Ye wudden't notice these facts
because ye'er mind while feeble is unthrained. His coat collar was
turned up an' he was whistlin' to himsilf, a habit iv dog fanciers. As he
wint be Hogan's house he did not look around or change his gait or
otherwise do annything that wud indicate to an unthrained mind that
there was annything wrong, facts in thimsilves that proved to me
cultivated intilligence that he was guilty. I followed him in me mind's
eye to his home an' there chained to th' bed leg is Dorsey's dog. Th'
name iv th' criminal is P. X. O'Hannigan, an' he lives at twinty-wan
hundhred an' ninety-nine South Halsted sthreet, top flat, rear, a plumber
be pro-fission. Officer, arrest that man!
"That's all right," said Mr. Hennessy; "but Dugan rayturned th' dog las'
night."
"Oh, thin," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "this is not a case f'r Sherlock
Holmes but wan f'r th' polis. That's th' throuble, Hinnissy, with th'
detictive iv th' story. Nawthin' happens in rale life that's complicated
enough f'r him. If th' Prisidint iv th' Epworth League was a safe-blower
be night th' man that'd catch him'd be a la-ad with gr-reat powers iv
observation an' thrained habits iv raisonin'. But crime, Hinnissy, is a
pursoot iv th' simple minded--that is, catchable crime is a pursoot iv th'
simple-minded. Th' other kind, th' uncatchable kind that is took up be
men iv intellict is called high fi-nance. I've known manny criminals in
me time, an' some iv thim was fine men an' very happy in their home

life, an' a more simple, pasth'ral people ye niver knew. Wan iv th' ablest
bank robbers in th' counthry used to live near me--he ownded a flat
buildin'--an' befure he'd turn in to bed afther rayturnin' fr'm his night's
wurruk, he'd go out in th' shed an' chop th' wood. He always wint into
th' house through a thransom f'r fear iv wakin' his wife who was a
delicate woman an' a shop lifter. As I tell ye he was a man without
guile, an' he wint about his jooties as modestly as ye go about ye'ers. I
don't think in th' long run he made much more thin ye do. Wanst in a
while, he'd get hold iv a good bunch iv money, but manny other times
afther dhrillin' all night through a steel dure, all he'd find 'd be a short
crisp note fr'm th' prisidint iv th' bank. He was often discouraged, an' he
tol' me wanst if he had an income iv forty dollars th' month, he'd retire
fr'm business an' settle down on a farm.
"No, sir, criminals is th' simplest crathers in th' wide wide
wurruld--innocent, sthraight-forward, dangerous people, that haven't
sinse enough to be honest or prosperous. Th' extint iv their schamin' is
to break a lock on a dure or sweep a handful iv change fr'm a counter or
dhrill a hole in a safe or administher th' strong short arm to a tired man
takin' home his load. There are no mysteryous crimes excipt thim that
happens to be. Th' ordh'nry crook, Hinnissy, goes around ringin' a bell
an' disthributin' hand-bills announcin' his business. He always breaks
through a window instead iv goin' through an open dure, an' afther he's
done annything that he thinks is commindable, he goes to a neighborin'
liquor saloon, stands on th' pool table an' confides th' secret to ivrybody
within sound iv his voice. That's why Mulligan is a betther detictive
thin Sherlock Holmes or me. He can't put two an' two together an' he
has no powers iv deduction, but he's a hard dhrinker an' a fine sleuth.
Sherlock Holmes niver wud've caught that frind iv mine. Whin th' safe
iv th' Ninth Rational Bank was blowed, he wud've put two an' two
together an' arristed me. But me frind wint away lavin' a hat an' a pair
iv cuffs marked with his name in th' safe, an' th' polis combined these
discoveries with th' well-known fact that Muggins was a notoryous safe
blower an' they took him in. They found him down th' sthreet thryin' to
sell a bushel basket full iv Alley L stock. I told ye he was a