Notes From The Underground | Page 9

nasty person, an impostor. Well, so be it, then! I am very glad that
you see through me. It is nasty for you to hear my despicable moans: well, let it be nasty;
here I will let you have a nastier flourish in a minute. ..." You do not understand even
now, gentlemen? No, it seems our development and our consciousness must go further to
understand all the intricacies of this pleasure. You laugh? Delighted. My jests, gentlemen,
are of course in bad taste, jerky, involved, lacking self-confidence. But of course that is
because I do not respect myself. Can a man of perception respect himself at all?

V

Come, can a man who attempts to find enjoyment in the very feeling of his own
degradation possibly have a spark of respect for himself? I am not saying this now from
any mawkish kind of remorse. And, indeed, I could never endure saying, "Forgive me,
Papa, I won't do it again," not because I am incapable of saying that--on the contrary,
perhaps just because I have been too capable of it, and in what a way, too. As though of
design I used to get into trouble in cases when I was not to blame in any way. That was
the nastiest part of it. At the same time I was genuinely touched and penitent, I used to
shed tears and, of course, deceived myself, though I was not acting in the least and there
was a sick feeling in my heart at the time. ... For that one could not blame even the laws
of nature, though the laws of nature have continually all my life offended me more than
anything. It is loathsome to remember it all, but it was loathsome even then. Of course, a
minute or so later I would realise wrathfully that it was all a lie, a revolting lie, an
affected lie, that is, all this penitence, this emotion, these vows of reform. You will ask
why did I worry myself with such antics: answer, because it was very dull to sit with
one's hands folded, and so one began cutting capers. That is really it. Observe yourselves
more carefully, gentlemen, then you will understand that it is so. I invented adventures
for myself and made up a life, so as at least to live in some way. How many times it has
happened to me--well, for instance, to take offence simply on purpose, for nothing; and
one knows oneself, of course, that one is offended at nothing; that one is putting it on, but
yet one brings oneself at last to the point of being really offended. All my life I have had
an impulse to play such pranks, so that in the end I could not control it in myself. Another
time, twice, in fact, I tried hard to be in love. I suffered, too, gentlemen, I assure you. In
the depth of my heart there was no faith in my suffering, only a faint stir of mockery, but
yet I did suffer, and in the real, orthodox way; I was jealous, beside myself ... and it was
all from ENNUI, gentlemen, all from ENNUI; inertia overcame me. You know the direct,
legitimate fruit of consciousness is inertia, that is, conscious
sitting-with-the-hands-folded. I have referred to this already. I repeat, I repeat with
emphasis: all "direct" persons and men of action are active just because they are stupid
and limited. How explain that? I will tell you: in consequence of their limitation they take
immediate and secondary causes for primary ones, and in that way persuade themselves
more quickly and easily than other people do that they have found an infallible
foundation for their activity, and their minds are at ease and you know that is the chief
thing. To begin to act, you know, you must first have your mind completely at ease and
no trace of doubt left in it. Why, how am I, for example, to set my mind at rest? Where
are the primary causes on which I am to build? Where are my foundations? Where am I
to get them from? I exercise myself in reflection, and consequently with me every
primary cause at once draws after itself another still more primary, and so on to infinity.
That is just the essence of every sort of consciousness and reflection. It must be a case of
the laws of nature again. What is the result of it in the end? Why, just the same.
Remember I spoke just now of vengeance. (I am sure you did not take it in.) I said that a
man revenges himself because he sees justice in it. Therefore he has found a primary
cause, that is, justice. And so he is at