My Man Sandy | Page 4

get that tume saft soap barrel scraipit
oot, an' the wechts gi'en a black lead; an' we'll hear aboot the Toon
Cooncil efter your wark's dune."

"Oh, but I'll manish that, Bawbie," says he, gey snappish-like; "but still
a man wi' brains in's heid canna juist be setisfeed wi' saft soap an' black
lead a'thegither."
"Ow weel," says I, "you wud mibby fa' in wi' a fell lot o' baith o' them,
even i' the Toon Cooncil. When you're wantin' a favour, a little saft
soap--altho' it's only scraipins--is sometimes a very handy thing to hae;
an' if you dinna get what you want, you can pet on the black lead syne.
There's a fell lot o' that kind o' thing gaen on, an' nae mistak'. There's
Beylie Thingymabob, for instance--but, of coorse, that's no' the
point----"
"What I was sayin'," brock in Sandy, "was that when a man's heid's fu'
o' brains, an' them wirkin' juist like barm, he maun hae some
occupation for his intelleck, or his facilties 'ill gie wey. There's Bandy
Wobster, for instance, tak's up his heid wi' gomitry an' triangles an'
siclike, juist 'cause he has some brains in his heid, an' maun occupy
them; an' what for no' me as weel?"
"Gomitry an' triangles!" says I. "Ye'll mibby be for into the flute band
next, are ye? Weel, I'll tell you this--I ken naething aboot the gomitry,
or what like a thing it is; but if you bring ony o' your triangles here, wi'
there ping ping-pinkey-pingin', I'll pet them doon the syre; that's what
I'll do. I like music o' near ony kind. I can pet up wi' the melodian or
the concertina; but yon triangle thing I wudna hae i' the hoose. You can
tell Bandy Wobster he can keep his triangles for his parrots swingin' on.
We want neen o' them here."
"Tut, Bawbie, 'oman," says Sandy, "you're juist haiverin' straucht forrit.
It's no' flute band triangles I mean ava. It's the anes you see in books--a'
shapes an' sizes, ye know. Bandy learned a' aboot them when he was at
the sea. Sailors learn aboot them for measurin' hoo far onywey is frae
ony ither wey, d'ye know, d'ye see? Bandy tells me that gomitry--that's
what they ca' the book fu' o' triangles--is a grand thing for learnin' you
to speak; an' he offered to gi'e me a lesson or twa."
"That'll be whaur Bandy gets a' his gab," says I. "I think, Sandy," I says,
says I, "that you've mair need to learn something to garr you haud your

tongue. You've nae need for learnin' to speak, weel-a-wat, excep' it be
to speak sense; an' I dinna suppose gomitry 'ill do you ony guid that
wey. It's made but a puir job o' Bandy Wobster, at onyrate."
"That's a' you ken, Bawbie," says Sandy. "There's mair in Bandy than
the spune pets in; mind I'm tellin' you. He was tellin's aboot some o' the
exyems in gomitry lest nicht, an', I'll swag, he garred Cocky Baxter, the
auld dominie, chowl his chafts."
"Exyems!" says I. "Is that the same as exy-oey we used to play at on
oor sklates at the skule?"
"No, no, no, no, no," says Sandy. "What are you haiverin' aboot,
Bawbie? It's a different kind o' thing a'thegither. The first exyem is that
onything that's equal to the same thing as ony ither thing, is equal to the
thing that's equal to the thing to which the ither thing's equal, d'ye know,
d'ye see?"
"By faigs, Sandy," says I, "that's waur than exy-oey yet. What was't
you said?"
"It's as plain as twice-twa's fower, Bawbie, if you juist watch," says
Sandy. "If ae thing is equal till anither thing, an' the ither thing's equal
to some ither thing that's equal to the thing that the first thing's equal
till, then you can easy see that the ae thing 'ill be equal to the ither, as
weel as to the ither thing that they're baith equal till."
I thocht Sandy was raley gettin' akinda lichtwecht, d'ye ken, for I cud
nether mak' heid nor tail o' his confused blethers.
"Keep me, Bawbie, do you no' see through't?" he says, glowerin' at me
wi' a queer-like look in his e'e. "Gie's three bawbees! Look now; there's
thae three bawbees. Weel than, here's twa here, an' there's ane there.
Noo, this ane here is equal to that ane there, an' this ither ane here is
equal to that ane there too; so that, when they're baith equal to that ane,
the teen maun be equal to the tither. A blind bat cud see that wi' its een
shut."

Sandy set himsel' up like's he'd pey'd a big account or something, an',
gien his heid a gey impident cock to the