Mrs Caudles Curtain Lectures | Page 8

come to this. I said it would, when
you joined those precious Skylarks. People being called out of their
beds at all hours of the night, to bail a set of fellows who are never so

happy as when they're leading sober men to destruction. I should like to
know what the neighbours will think of you, with people from the
police knocking at the door at two in the morning? Don't tell me that
the man has been ill-used: he's not the man to be ill-used. And you
must go and bail him! I know the end of that: he'll run away, and you'll
have to pay the money. I should like to know what's the use of my
working and slaving to save a farthing, when you throw away pounds
upon your precious Skylarks. A pretty cold you'll have to-morrow
morning, being called out of your warm bed this weather; but don't you
think I'll nurse you--not I; not a drop of gruel do you get from me.
"I'm sure you've plenty of ways of spending your money--not throwing
it away upon a set of dissolute peace-breakers. It's all very well for you
to say you haven't thrown away your money, but you will. He'll be
certain to run off; it isn't likely he'll go upon his trial, and you'll be
fixed with the bail. Don't tell me there's no trial in the matter, because I
know there is; it's for something more than quarrelling with the
policeman that he was locked up. People aren't locked up for that. No,
it's for robbery, or something worse, perhaps.
"And as you have bailed him, people will think you are as bad as he is.
Don't tell me you couldn't help bailing him; you should have shown
yourself a respectable man, and have let him been sent to prison.
"Now people know you're the friend of drunken and disorderly persons,
you'll never have a night's sleep in your bed. Not that it would matter
what fell upon you, if it wasn't your poor wife who suffered. Of course
all the business will be in the newspapers, and your name with it. I
shouldn't wonder, too, if they give your picture as they do the other
folks of the Old Bailey. A pretty thing that, to go down to your children.
I'm sure it will be enough to make them change their name. No, I shall
not go to sleep; it's all very well for you to say, go to sleep, after such a
disturbance. But I shall not go to sleep, Mr. Caudle; certainly not."
"Her will, I have no doubt," says Caudle, "was strong; but nature was
stronger, and she did sleep; this night inflicting upon me a remarkably
short lecture."

LECTURE V--MR. CAUDLE HAS REMAINED DOWNSTAIRS
TILL PAST ONE, WITH A FRIEND

"Pretty time of night to come to bed, Mr. Caudle. Ugh! As cold, too, as
any ice. Enough to give any woman her death, I'm sure. What!
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE LOCKED UP THE COALS?
"If I hadn't, I've no doubt the fellow would have stayed all night. It's all
very well for you, Mr. Caudle, to bring people home--but I wish you'd
think first what's for supper. That beautiful leg of pork would have
served for our dinner to-morrow,--and now it's gone. I can't keep the
house upon the money, and I won't pretend to do it, if you bring a mob
of people every night to clear out the cupboard.
"I wonder who'll be so ready to give you a supper when you want one:
for want one you will, unless you change your plans. Don't tell me! I
know I'm right. You'll first be eaten up, and then you'll be laughed at. I
know the world. No, indeed, Mr. Caudle, I don't think ill of everybody;
don't say that. But I can't see a leg of pork eaten up in that way, without
asking myself what it's all to end in if such things go on? And then he
must have pickles, too! Couldn't be content with my cabbage--no, Mr.
Caudle, I won't let you go to sleep. It's very well for you to say let you
go to sleep, after you've kept me awake till this time.
"WHY DID I KEEP AWAKE?
"How do you suppose I could go to sleep when I knew that man was
below drinking up your substance in brandy-and-water? for he couldn't
be content upon decent, wholesome gin. Upon my word, you ought to
be a rich man, Mr. Caudle. You have such very fine friends, I wonder
who gives you brandy when you go out!
"No, indeed, he couldn't be content with my pickled cabbage--and I
should like to know who makes better--but he must have walnuts. And

you,