Mr. Dooley Says | Page 6

month, one of th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry
has projooced. For further details iv th' wrong things he done see th'
notes at th' end iv th' volume.' It seems to me, Hinnissy, that this here
thing called bi-ography is a kind iv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on
wan side, an' bi-ography comes along an' makes it rowl over an' lie on
th' other side. Th' historyan says, go up; th' bi-ographer says, come
down among us. I don't believe ayether iv thim.
"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. 'Were
they all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think so
gloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye mustn't
believe all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' says he. 'It's a
thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat an' sthrong. Th' hero
sthruts through histhry with his chin up in th' air, his scipter in his hand
an' his crown on his head. But behind him dances a boot-black imitatin'
his walk an' makin' faces at him. Fame invites a man out iv his house to
be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a warrant f'r
batin' his wife. 'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it shudden't be so.
We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv th' wurruld didn't
have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen to possess thim, we
make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over us. Wan way or
another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we can't reach th'
hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feel aisier about

mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' it stimylates
compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in hand 'tis small
chance anny iv us wud have iv seem' our pitchers in th' pa-apers.'
"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, th' people ye
free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step iv ye'er youth, all go
thundherin' down to immortality together. An' afther all, isn't it a good
thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care about is th' one Mulligan th'
stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I like Mulligan's style, f'r he's no
flatthrer, an' he has wan model iv bi-ography that he uses f'r old an'
young, rich an' poor. He merely writes something to th' gin'ral effect
that th' deceased was a wondher, an' lets it go at that."
"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough to
buy off all threatenin' bi-ographers."

WOMAN SUFFRAGE
"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in their
might an' demanded a vote."
"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy.
"A vote," said Mr. Dooley.
"Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they do?"
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv thim
gathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or
naytional dormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore
proclaimed that a debate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English
gintlemen to marry their deceased wife's sisters befure th' autopsy. In
th' great hall iv Rufus some iv th' mightiest male intellecks in Britain
slept undher their hats while an impassioned orator delivered a
hem-stitched speech on th' subject iv th' day to th' attintive knees an'

feet iv th' ministhry. It was into this here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen
iv Europe that ye see on ye'er way to France that th' furyous females
attimpted to enter. Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rude
jeers iv th' multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th'
idifice. There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim.
'What d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' says
th' commander iv th' army iv freedom.
"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate battle
followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv 'Brute,' 'Monster,'
'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins were dhrawn. Wan lady let
down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done a fit on th' marble
stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be sufferin' f'r a vote, sthruck a
burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' little finger iv th' right hand.
Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' law charged on th' champeens iv
liberty. A scene iv horror followed. Polismen seized ladies be th' arms
and' led thim down th' stairs; others were carried out fainting by th'
tyrants. In a few minyits all was