Mr. Dooley Says

Mr. Dooley Says

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Title: Mr. Dooley Says
Author: Finley Dunne
Release Date: January 13, 2005 [EBook #14684]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ASCII
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DOOLEY SAYS ***

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Mr. DOOLEY SAYS

BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR,"
"MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC.

NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS

CONTENTS
PAGE DIVORCE 1
GLORY 14
WOMAN SUFFRAGE 25
THE BACHELOR TAX 40
THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES 50
PANICS 67
OCEAN TRAVEL 78
WORK 89
DRUGS 100
A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP 106
THE ARMY CANTEEN 110
THINGS SPIRITUAL 123
BOOKS 134
THE TARIFF 144
THE BIG FINE 158
EXPERT TESTIMONY 168
THE CALL OF THE WILD 180

THE JAPANESE SCARE 193
THE HAGUE CONFERENCE 204
TURKISH POLITICS 214
VACATIONS 227

Mr. DOOLEY SAYS

DIVORCE
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a Divoorce
Congress."
"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxury
supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin
a marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go on
livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way some
mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at each
other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he
has th' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to
Reno in ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor
wud find throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road.
No, sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up
f'river. There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will
recognize, an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall
bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timprary
husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an'
dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th'
neighbors are agin it.
"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoo

marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an
onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' new an'
off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says th' preacher. 'Or th' jury,'
whispers th' blushin' bride.
"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was
assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's a
tur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'y to
be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border. There's
no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossible f'r a man
to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There's no regularity
at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'r divoorce; in Ohio th'
inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman can be freed fr'm th'
gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wears Congress
gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name back
because his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup.
"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe his
boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota.
Ye can be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th'
complaint. Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv
th' parties dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th'
other does, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to
sick headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he
give her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th'
society iv th' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can
get a divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because
he has less. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls
incompatibility iv temper. That's whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross
at th' same time. Ye'd call it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy.
"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny