Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen | Page 2

limbs, as Hogan says, who was it crossed th' say an'
sthruck off th' comealongs? We did,--by dad, we did. An' now, ye
mis'rable, childish-minded apes, we propose f'r to larn ye th' uses iv
liberty. In ivry city in this unfair land we will erect school-houses an'
packin' houses an' houses iv correction; an' we'll larn ye our language,
because 'tis aisier to larn ye ours than to larn oursilves yours. An' we'll

give ye clothes, if ye pay f'r thim; an', if ye don't, ye can go without.
An', whin ye're hungry, ye can go to th' morgue--we mane th'
resth'rant--an' ate a good square meal iv ar-rmy beef. An' we'll sind th'
gr-reat Gin'ral Eagan over f'r to larn ye etiquette, an' Andhrew Carnegie
to larn ye pathriteism with blow-holes into it, an' Gin'ral Alger to larn
ye to hould onto a job; an', whin ye've become edycated an' have all th'
blessin's iv civilization that we don't want, that 'll count ye one. We
can't give ye anny votes, because we haven't more thin enough to go
round now; but we'll threat ye th' way a father shud threat his childher
if we have to break ivry bone in ye'er bodies. So come to our ar-rms,'
says we.
"But, glory be, 'tis more like a rasslin' match than a father's embrace.
Up gets this little monkey iv an' Aggynaldoo, an' says he, 'Not for us,'
he says. 'We thank ye kindly; but we believe,' he says, 'in pathronizin'
home industhries,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'I have on hand,' he says, 'an'
f'r sale,' he says, 'a very superyor brand iv home-made liberty, like ye'er
mother used to make,' he says. ''Tis a long way fr'm ye'er plant to here,'
he says, 'an' be th' time a cargo iv liberty,' he says, 'got out here an' was
handled be th' middlemen,' he says, 'it might spoil,' he says. 'We don't
want anny col' storage or embalmed liberty,' he says. 'What we want an'
what th' ol' reliable house iv Aggynaldoo,' he says, 'supplies to th'
thrade,' he says, 'is fr-esh liberty r-right off th' far-rm,' he says. 'I can't
do annything with ye'er proposition,' he says. 'I can't give up,' he says,
'th' rights f'r which f'r five years I've fought an' bled ivry wan I cud
reach,' he says. 'Onless,' he says, 'ye'd feel like buyin' out th' whole
business,' he says. 'I'm a pathrite,' he says; 'but I'm no bigot,' he says.
"An' there it stands, Hinnissy, with th' indulgent parent kneelin' on th'
stomach iv his adopted child, while a dillygation fr'm Boston bastes
him with an umbrella. There it stands, an' how will it come out I
dinnaw. I'm not much iv an expansionist mesilf. F'r th' las' tin years I've
been thryin' to decide whether 'twud be good policy an' thrue to me
thraditions to make this here bar two or three feet longer, an' manny's
th' night I've laid awake tryin' to puzzle it out. But I don't know what to
do with th' Ph'lippeens anny more thin I did las' summer, befure I heerd
tell iv thim. We can't give thim to anny wan without makin' th' wan that

gets thim feel th' way Doherty felt to Clancy whin Clancy med a frindly
call an' give Doherty's childher th' measles. We can't sell thim, we can't
ate thim, an' we can't throw thim into th' alley whin no wan is lookin'.
An' 'twud be a disgrace f'r to lave befure we've pounded these frindless
an' ongrateful people into insinsibility. So I suppose, Hinnissy, we'll
have to stay an' do th' best we can, an' lave Andhrew Carnegie secede
fr'm th' Union. They'se wan consolation; an' that is, if th' American
people can govern thimsilves, they can govern annything that walks."
"An' what 'd ye do with Aggy--what-d'ye-call-him?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"Well," Mr. Dooley replied, with brightening eyes, "I know what they'd
do with him in this ward. They'd give that pathrite what he asks, an'
thin they'd throw him down an' take it away fr'm him."

A HERO WHO WORKED OVERTIME.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "it looks now as if they was nawthin' left
f'r me young frind Aggynaldoo to do but time. Like as not a year fr'm
now he'll be in jail, like Napoleon, th' impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was in his
day, an' Mike, th' Burglar, an' other pathrites. That's what comes iv
bein' a pathrite too long. 'Tis a good job, whin they'se nawthin' else to
do; but 'tis not th' thing to wurruk overtime at. 'Tis a sort iv out-iv-dure
spoort that ye shud engage in durin' th' summer vacation; but, whin a
man carries it on durin' business hours, people begin to get