More Fables | Page 2

said they
were Business Men. It was all Friendly, with an Ante of Two Bits and

the Chandelier as the Limit. Uncle Brewster said he was accustomed to
playing with Lima Beans, Three for a Cent and One call Two and no
fair to Bluff. The Bell-Hopper told him to Turn In and get a Good
Night's Rest.
Next Morning at the Hotel he spotted a stylish little Chunk of a Woman
who kept the Cigar Case and sold Books with Actress Photos on the
outside.
He walked over to buy a Cigar, but he happened to see the "3 for 50c."
Label and his Feet got cold.
So, instead of buying a Cigar, he conversed with the Proprietress. He
seemed to be a Success with her, and ventured to say that he was a
Stranger in Town and would like first-rate to go out to a Lecture or
some other kind of Entertainment that Evening if he could find a Nice
Girl that didn't mind going with a Respectable Man who could give
References, and besides was nearly old enough to be her Father. Then
after the Lecture they could go to a First-Class Restaurant and have an
Oyster Stew.
[Illustration: THE INVITATION]
Uncle Brewster had read the Illustrated Papers in the Barber Shop out
Home, and he certainly knew what was Expected of a Man who wanted
to give a Gay Girl the Time of her Life.
The Cigar and Literary Girl said she would be Charmed to Accompany
him only for one Thing: She said she didn't have a Hat that was Fit to
Wear. She said she could tell by his Looks that he was a Gentleman
that wouldn't want to go anywhere with a Lady whose Lid was Tacky.
Possibly he would be willing to Stake her to a Hat.
"What would the Hat come to?" asked Uncle Brewster, somewhat
Leary.
"Only Fourteen Dollars," she replied.

"I'll Think it Over," quoth Uncle Brewster, in a choking Voice, and he
was so Groggy he walked into the Elevator instead of going out the
Street Door.
A little while later Uncle Brewster met an Acquaintance who gave him
a Complimentary Badge to the Races. He walked out to the Track, so
as to make the Expense as Reasonable as possible.
As soon as he was in the Ring a Tout took him back of a Hot Sausage
Booth and told him not to Give it Out, but Green Pill in the First Race
was sure to Win as far as a man could throw an Anvil, and to hurry and
get a Piece of Money on. Uncle Brewster looked at the Entries and
began to Quiver. He wished that Doc Jimmison could be there to
Advise him. Green Pill was 30 to 1, and the Tout had his information
from a Stable Boy that slept with the Horse.
A Reckless Spirit seized Uncle Brewster. He said he would take a
Chance even if he didn't know for Sure that he would Win. So he
walked up to a Bookie and said to him: "I want to Bet Fifty Cents on
Green Pill, and this is a Dollar here, so you want to give me Fifty Cents
Change."
Whereupon the Bookie told him to Back Up and Fade and do a
Disappearing Specialty.
Uncle Brewster Escaped and found himself at a Bar. He decided that he
would take a Drink, because he wouldn't be Home until next Day and
by that time it would be off his Breath.
[Illustration: NON-COMBUSTIBLE]
So he laid his Bosom against the Brass Railing and said to the Man in
White, "You might as well draw me a Glass of Beer."
"We've got it in Bottles," said the Barkeep, regarding Uncle Brewster
without a sign of Enthusiasm.
"What do you git for a Bottle?" asked Uncle Brewster.

"Twenty Cents," was the Reply of the Liquor Clerk.
"Keep it," said Uncle Brewster.
Perceiving that the Race-Track was in the hands of Gougers, Uncle
Brewster walked back to the Hotel. By that Time his New Shoes had
Crippled him, and he decided to take the Afternoon Train for home
instead of Waiting Over.
That Evening he was back at his own Fireside, with the Bunged-Up
Feet resting in Carpet Slippers. As he sat and read the Poultry
Magazine, Aunt Mehely looked at him sidewise, and full of Suspicion
said, "I s'pose you just Played Hob there in the City."
And Uncle Brewster replied as follows: "No, Mother, I didn't Drink and
I didn't Gamble. I didn't do Nothin'--not even go to a Theayter."
And as he spoke an Aureole of Virtue seemed to curdle above him,
while his Countenance bore an Expression of Placid Triumph, which
meant that he was the real Asbestos Paragon who had been tried