Monsieur de Pourceaugnac | Page 5

does not belong to me. I am only an unworthy apothecary; at your service.
ERA. Is the doctor at home, then.
APO. Yes; he is in there, trying to get rid quickly of some patients. I will tell him that you are here.
ERA. No; you need not disturb him; I will wait till he has done. I have to entrust to his care a certain relation of mine he was told about today. He is attacked with a sort of madness that we should like to see cured before we marry him to anyone.
APO. I know; I know all about it. I was there when he was told of this affair. Upon my word, Sir; upon my word, you could not apply to a more skilful doctor. He is a man who understands medicine thoroughly, as well as I do my A B C; [Footnote: _Ma croix de par Dieu_, "my Christ-cross-row," or "Criss-cross-row," in old and provincial English.] and who, were you to die for it, would not abate one iota of the rules of the ancients. Yes, he always follows the high-road--the high-road, Sir, and doesn't spend his time finding out mares' nests. For all the gold in the world he would not cure anybody with other medicines than those prescribed by the faculty.
ERA. He is quite right. A patient should not wish to be cured unless the faculty consents to it.
APO. It is not because we are great friends that I speak so of him; but it is a pleasure to be his patient, and I had rather die by his medicines than be cured with those of another. For, whatever may happen, we know for certain that things are always in due order; and should we die under his care, our heirs have nothing to reproach us with.
ERA. A great comfort to a dead man.
APO. Certainly; it is pleasant to have died according to rules. Moreover, he is not one of those doctors who let a disease off. He is an expeditious man--expeditious, Sir, who likes to clear off his patients; and when they are to die, the thing is done in no time.
ERA. There is, to be sure, nothing like going through the business quickly.
APO. Indeed, what is the use of haggling over the matter, and beating so long about the bush? One should know offhand the long and short of an illness.
ERA. You are quite right.
APO. Why, he did me the honour of taking care of three of my children; they died in less than four days, whereas with another they would have lingered for more than three months.
ERA. It is a blessing to have friends like these.
APO. Decidedly. I have still two children left, of whom he takes care as if they were his own; he attends them, and physics them as he pleases, without my interfering in the least; and very frequently on my return from the city, I am quite surprised to find that they have been bled or purged by his direction.
ERA. This is kind care indeed!
APO. Here he is, here he is; here he is coming.

SCENE VIII.--éRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY, COUNTRYMAN, COUNTRYWOMAN.
C. MAN. Sir, he can hold out no longer; he says he feels the greatest pains imaginable in his head.
1ST PHY. The patient is a fool; for in the disease by which he is attacked it is not his head, according to Galen, but the spleen, which must give pain.
C. MAN. However this may be, Sir, he has had for the last six months a laxity with it.
1ST PHY. That's right. It is a sign that his body is clearing. I will go and see him in two or three days; but if he dies before, mind you do not forget to give me notice, for it is not proper that a doctor should go to visit a dead man.
C. WOM. (to PHYSICIAN). My father, Sir, is getting worse and worse.
1ST PHY. It is no fault of mine; I send him remedies; why does he not get better? How many times has he been bled?
C. WOM. Fifteen times, Sir, in twenty days.
1ST PHY. Fifteen times?
C. WOM. Yes.
1ST PHY. And he does not get better?
C. WOM. No, Sir.
PHY. It is a sign that the seat of the malady is not in the blood. He must be purged as many times, to see if it is in the humours; and if this does not succeed, we will send him to the bath.
APO. This is the _beau-idéal_ of physic.

SCENE IX.--éRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY.
ERA. (to the PHYSICIAN). It was I, Sir, who sent to you few days ago about a relation of mine who is not quite right in his mind; and I want him to live in your house, as it would be more convenient for you to attend to him, and to