Miss Civilization | Page 7

now you must remember that I am your hostess. (To REDDY.) You'll find plates in the pantry, please.
REDDY: Oh, I don't use them things.
ALICE: You'll use "them things" when you eat with me. Go, do as I tell you, please. (REDDY exits..) And you--put away that silly gun and help him.
HATCH: Stay where you are.
HARRY: Oh, what's the rush, governor? She can't hurt nobody. And I'm near starved, too. (Exit into pantry.)
HATCH: This is the last time I take YOU out.
ALICE: (arranging the food upon the table) Now, why are you so peevish to everybody? Why don't you be sociable, and take some supper? (Glances at sideboard.) You seem to have taken everything else. Oh, that reminds me. Would you object to loaning me about--four, six--about six of our knives and forks? Just for the supper. I suppose we can borrow from the neighbors for breakfast. Unless you've been calling on the neighbors, too.
HATCH: Oh, anything to oblige a lady. (Threateningly.) But no tricks, now!
ALICE: Oh, I can't promise that, because I mightn't be able to keep my promise.
(HATCH brings silver knives and forks from the bag.)
HATCH: I'll risk all the tricks you know. Nobody's got much the better of me in the last twenty years.
ALICE: Have you been a burglar twenty years? You must have begun very young. I can't see your face very well, but I shouldn't say you were--over forty. Do take that mask off. It looks so--unsociable. Don't be afraid of me. I've a perfectly shocking memory for faces. Now, I'm sure that under that unbecoming and terrifying exterior you are hiding a kind and fatherly countenance. Am I right? (Laughs.) Why do you wear it?
HATCH: (roughly) To keep my face warm.
ALICE: Oh, pardon me, my mistake.
(A locomotive whistle is heard at a distance. ALICE listens eagerly. As the whistle dies away and is not repeated, her face shows her disappointment.)
HATCH: What was that? There's no trains this time of night.
ALICE: (speaking partly to herself) It was a freight train, going the other way.
HATCH: (suspiciously) The other way? The other way from where?
ALICE: From where it started. Do you know, I've always wanted to meet a burglar. But it's so difficult. They go out so seldom.
HATCH: Yes, and they arrive so late.
ALICE: (laughingly) Now, that's much better. It's so nice of you to have a sense of humor. While you're there, just close those blinds, please, so that the neighbors can't see what scandalous hours we keep. And then you can make a light. This is much too gloomy for a supper party.
HATCH: (closing shutters) Yes, if those were shut it might be safer.
(He closes shutters and turns on the two electric lights. REDDY and HARRY enter, carrying plates.)
HARRY: We aren't regular waiters, miss, but we think we're pretty good for amateurs.
REDDY: We haven't forgot nothing. Not even napkins. Have some napkins?
(Places a pile of folded napkins in front of ALICE. Then sits at head of table, HARRY to lower right of table. ALICE moves her chair away from the table, but keeping REDDY on her right. HATCH sits still further away from the table on her left.)
ALICE: Thanks. Put the plates down there. And may I help you to some--
REDDY: (taking food in fingers) Oh, we'll help ourselves.
ALICE: Of course you're accustomed to helping yourselves, aren't you? (To HATCH.) Won't you join them?
HATCH: No.
(Through the scene which follows, REDDY and HARRY continue to eat and drink heartily.)
ALICE: No? Well, then, while they're having supper, you and I will talk. If you're going to gag me soon, I want to talk while I can. (Rises and hands box to him.) Have a cigar?
HATCH: (takes cigar) Thanks.
ALICE: (standing with hand on back of chair) Now, I want to ask you some questions. You are an intelligent man. Of course, you must be, or you couldn't have kept out of jail for twenty years. To get on in your business, a man must be intelligent, and he must have nerve, and courage. Now--with those qualities, why, may I ask-- why are you so stupid as to be a burglar?
HARRY: Stupid!
REDDY: Well, I like that!
HATCH: Stupid? Why, I make a living at it.
ALICE: How much of a living?
HATCH: Ten thousand a year.
ALICE: Ten thousand--well, suppose you made FIFTY thousand. What good is even a hundred thousand for ONE year, if to get it you risk going to prison for twenty years? That's not sensible. Merely as a business proposition, to take the risk you do for ten thousand dollars is stupid isn't it? I can understand a man's risking twenty years of his life for some things--a man like Peary or Dewey, or Santos-Dumont. They took big risks for big prizes. But there's thousands of men in this country, not half as clever as you are, earning ten thousand