Misalliance | Page 4

voice are a little exasperating._
JOHNNY. Hallo! Wheres your luggage?
BENTLEY. I left it at the station. Ive walked up from Haslemere. [He
goes to the hat stand and hangs up his hat].
JOHNNY [shortly] Oh! And who's to fetch it?
BENTLEY. Dont know. Dont care. Providence, probably. If not, your
mother will have it fetched.
JOHNNY. Not her business, exactly, is it?
BENTLEY. [returning to the pavilion] Of course not. Thats why one
loves her for doing it. Look here: chuck away your silly week-end
novel, and talk to a chap. After a week in that filthy office my brain is
simply blue-mouldy. Lets argue about something intellectual. [He
throws himself into the wicker chair on Johnny's right].
JOHNNY. [straightening up in the swing with a yell of protest] No.
Now seriously, Bunny, Ive come down here to have a pleasant

week-end; and I'm not going to stand your confounded arguments. If
you want to argue, get out of this and go over to the Congregationalist
minister's. He's a nailer at arguing. He likes it.
BENTLEY. You cant argue with a person when his livelihood depends
on his not letting you convert him. And would you mind not calling me
Bunny. My name is Bentley Summerhays, which you please.
JOHNNY. Whats the matter with Bunny?
BENTLEY. It puts me in a false position. Have you ever considered the
fact that I was an afterthought?
JOHNNY. An afterthought? What do you mean by that?
BENTLEY. I--
JOHNNY. No, stop: I dont want to know. It's only a dodge to start an
argument.
BENTLEY. Dont be afraid: it wont overtax your brain. My father was
44 when I was born. My mother was 41. There was twelve years
between me and the next eldest. I was unexpected. I was probably
unintentional. My brothers and sisters are not the least like me. Theyre
the regular thing that you always get in the first batch from young
parents: quite pleasant, ordinary, do-the-regular-thing sort: all body and
no brains, like you.
JOHNNY. Thank you.
BENTLEY. Dont mention it, old chap. Now I'm different. By the time I
was born, the old couple knew something. So I came out all brains and
no more body than is absolutely necessary. I am really a good deal
older than you, though you were born ten years sooner. Everybody
feels that when they hear us talk; consequently, though it's quite natural
to hear me calling you Johnny, it sounds ridiculous and unbecoming for
you to call me Bunny. [He rises].

JOHNNY. Does it, by George? You stop me doing it if you can: thats
all.
BENTLEY. If you go on doing it after Ive asked you not, youll feel an
awful swine. _[He strolls away carelessly to the sideboard with his eye
on the sponge cakes]._ At least I should; but I suppose youre not so
particular.
JOHNNY _[rising vengefully and following Bentley, who is forced to
turn and listen]_ I'll tell you what it is, my boy: you want a good talking
to; and I'm going to give it to you. If you think that because your
father's a K.C.B., and you want to marry my sister, you can make
yourself as nasty as you please and say what you like, youre mistaken.
Let me tell you that except Hypatia, not one person in this house is in
favor of her marrying you; and I dont believe shes happy about it
herself. The match isnt settled yet: dont forget that. Youre on trial in
the office because the Governor isnt giving his daughter money for an
idle man to live on her. Youre on trial here because my mother thinks a
girl should know what a man is like in the house before she marries
him. Thats been going on for two months now; and whats the result?
Youve got yourself thoroughly disliked in the office; and youre getting
yourself thoroughly disliked here, all through your bad manners and
your conceit, and the damned impudence you think clever.
BENTLEY. [deeply wounded and trying hard to control himself] Thats
enough, thank you. You dont suppose, I hope, that I should have come
down if I had known that that was how you felt about me. _[He makes
for the vestibule door]._
JOHNNY. [collaring him]. No: you dont run away. I'm going to have
this out with you. Sit down: d'y' hear? _[Bentley attempts to go with
dignity. Johnny slings him into a chair at the writing table, where he
sits, bitterly humiliated, but afraid to speak lest he should burst into
tears]._ Thats the advantage of having more body than brains, you see:
it enables me to teach you manners; and I'm going to do it too. Youre a
spoilt young pup; and you need a jolly good licking. And