Mary Powell Deborahs Diary | Page 8

enough. On the other Hand, Roger
Agnew sayth that he is one of whome we can never know too much,

and there is somewhat about him which inclines me to believe it."
"What will Mother say?" interrupted I. Thereat Father's Countenance
changed; and he hastilie answered, "Whatever she likes: I have an
Answer for her, and a Question too;" and abruptlie left me, bidding me
keepe myselfe quiet.
But can I? Oh, no! Father hath sett a Stone rolling, unwitting of its
Course. It hath prostrated me in the first Instance, and will, I misdoubt,
hurt my Mother. Father is bold enow in her Absence, but when she
comes back will leave me to face her Anger alone; or else, make such a
Stir to shew that he is not governed by a Woman, as wille make Things
worse. Meanwhile, how woulde I have them? Am I most pleased or
payned? dismayed or flattered? Indeed, I know not.
. . . I am soe sorry to have swooned. Needed I have done it, merelie to
heare there was one who soughte my Favour? Aye, but one soe wise!
so thoughtfulle! so unlike me!

Bedtime: same Daye.
. . . Who knoweth what a Daye will bring forth? After writing the above,
I sate like one stupid, ruminating on I know not what, except on the
Unlikelihood that one soe wise woulde trouble himselfe to seeke for
aught and yet fail to win. After abiding a long Space in mine owne
Chamber, alle below seeming still, I began to wonder shoulde we dine
alone or not, and to have a hundred hot and cold Fitts of Hope and
Feare. Thought I, if Mr. Milton comes, assuredlie I cannot goe down;
but yet I must; but yet I will not; but yet the best will be to conduct
myselfe as though nothing had happened; and, as he seems to have left
the House long ago, maybe he hath returned to Sheepscote, or even to
London. Oh that London! Shall I indeede ever see it? and the rare
Shops, and the Play-houses, and Paul's, and the Towre? But what and if
that ever comes to pass? Must I leave Home? dear Forest Hill? and
Father and Mother, and the Boys? more especiallie Robin? Ah! but
Father will give me a long Time to think of it. He will, and must.

Then Dinner-time came; and, with Dinner-time, Uncle Hewlett and
Ralph, Squire Paice and Mr. Milton. We had a huge Sirloin, soe no
Feare of short Commons. I was not ill pleased to see soe manie: it gave
me an Excuse for holding my Peace, but I coulde have wished for
another Woman. However, Father never thinks of that, and Mother will
soone be Home. After Dinner the elder Men went to the
Bowling-greene with Dick and Ralph; the Boys to the Fish-ponds; and,
or ever I was aware, Mr. Milton was walking with me on the Terrace.
My Dreame came soe forcibly to Mind, that my Heart seemed to leap
into my Mouth; but he kept away from the Fish-ponds, and from
Leave-taking, and from his morning Discourse with my Father,--at
least for awhile; but some Way he got round to it, and sayd soe much,
and soe well, that, after alle my Father's bidding me keepe quiete and
take my Time, and mine owne Resolution to think much and long, he
never rested till he had changed the whole Appearance of Things, and
made me promise to be his, wholly and trulie.--And oh! I feare I have
been too quickly wonne!

May 23d, 1643.
May 23d. At leaste, so sayeth the Calendar; but with me it hath beene
trulie an April Daye, alle Smiles and Teares. And now my Spiritts are
soe perturbed and dismaid, as that I know not whether to weepe or no,
for methinks crying would relieve me. At first waking this Morning my
Mind was elated at the Falsitie of my Mother's Notion, that no Man of
Sense woulde think me worth the having; and soe I got up too proude, I
think, and came down too vain, for I had spent an unusuall Time at the
Glasse. My Spiritts, alsoe, were soe unequall, that the Boys took Notice
of it, and it seemed as though I coulde breathe nowhere but out of
Doors; so the Children and I had a rare Game of Play in the
Home-close; but ever and anon I kept looking towards the Road and
listening for Horses' Feet, till Robin sayd, "One would think the King
was coming:" but at last came Mr. Milton, quite another Way, walking
through the Fields with huge Strides. Kate saw him firste, and tolde me;
and then sayd, "What makes you look soe pale?"

We sate a good