Marie Bashkirtseff | Page 4

Because I put on an ermine cloak, I
imagine that I am a queen.
Monday, our day. We have plenty of callers. I went in only a minute to
ask Mamma something, in my character of a little girl. Before entering
I looked at myself in the mirror hanging there: I was good-looking,
rosy, fair, pretty.
Suppose I should write everything I think and everything I intend to do
when I grow up, everything I mean to forget, and everything that is
extraordinary? A dinner service of transparent glass. On one side a
certain costume and arrangement of the hair; on the other side a
different costume and a different arrangement of the hair, so that on one
side I shall be one person, and on the other side another. To give a
dinner by letters. I have determined to end this book, for extravagant
ideas rarely come to me in these days.
March 14th, 1873.
I saw Madame V---- on the Promenade. I was so glad, not on her own
account--yes, a little, but because all these people remind me of Baden.
There I could see the Duc, because he spent nearly all his time out of
doors, but it did me no good, for I was a child. If I could be at Baden
now for a summer! O, dear! When I think that Grandpapa made his
acquaintance in a shop. If I could have foreseen, I should have
continued that acquaintance.
I think only of him, I pray God to keep every trouble from him, protect,
preserve him from every danger.

All this time people talk about the Duc de H---- and it pleases me
immensely, if I don't blush.
At last I can enjoy some bright weather on the Promenade. I have seen
everybody, and I am happy. An hour driving, then walking, but the rain
surprised us.
In the evening we went to the theatre, which was filled with fashionable
people. The W----'s were next to us. I talked about the springs, horses,
etc. To-day I have been reflecting. Not a moment must be lost, every
instant must be spent in study. Sometimes (I am ashamed to confess it)
I hurry through my lessons without understanding them, in order to
finish more quickly, and I am glad when lessons are given me to review
because, during the following days, I shall have less to do.
I don't intend to behave so any longer. I must finish what I am learning
quickly, that I may begin serious studies, like those of men, and occupy
myself more with music, commence lessons on the harp and singing.
These are great plans. They are sensible ones, too. Are they not?
March 30th, 1873.
I have been dreaming of the Duc de H----. He wore three jackets of the
queerest cut, and was at our house to look at my pictures. He admired
them, and I talked with him. I was very much agitated, and could
scarcely conceal it. He talked with me very pleasantly, and spoke of
B----. He said:
"I was talking with her. I made her sit down and I spoke of you."
Oh! he talked to her about me, and it was on my account that he spoke
to her! How happy I am! At last my prayer is granted! Then he brought
some kind of paper or something, I don't know exactly what, to ask for
an address to get clothes, I believe. He was in the large drawing-room,
talked to me in low tones, encouraged me by his frank manners, then I
saw mountains on the pictures at which he was looking. It is strange
that I felt nothing extraordinary, and I was less excited than when I am
awake.
I was happy, I was calm and content.
These transports overwhelm me at the mere sight of his name, for I am
not sure of my happiness, and I ardently desire it. But when we have
what we desire and love, we are calm. So, in my dream I was calm, for
I no longer had anything to desire. I said nothing, in order not to
interrupt my happiness. I let myself go gently and quietly.

What was my surprise to find, on waking, that all this happiness was
only a dream! I spoke of it to members of the family, I laughed at
myself, to conceal my joy and my love for him. He talked with me
tenderly. Not exactly, but I know what I mean. He was not precisely
like himself, smaller and not so handsome. I thought I had reached port,
but, on waking, I find myself in the open sea and in the midst of the
tempest, as I was yesterday and shall be for a long time, perhaps, until
he comes