Man and Maid | Page 7

to Suzette to come and dine.
* * *
There is a mole on the left cheek of Suzette, high up near her eye, there are three black hairs in it--I had never seen them until this morning--c'est fini--je ne puis plus!
* * *
Of course we have all got moles with three black hairs in them--and the awful moment is when suddenly they are seen--That is the tragedy of life--disillusion.
I cannot help being horribly introspective, Maurice would agree to whatever I said, so there is no use in talking to him--I rush to this journal, it cannot look at me with fond watery eyes of reproach and disapproval--as Burton would if I let myself go to him.
May 16th--The times have been too anxious to write, it is over two months since I opened this book. But it cannot be, it cannot be that we shall be beaten--Oh! God--why am I not a man again to fight! The raids are continuous--All the fluffies and nearly everyone left Paris in the ticklish March and April times, but now their fears are lulled a little and many have returned, and they rush to cinemas and theatres, to kill time, and jump into the rare taxis to go and see the places where the raid bombs burst, or Bertha shells, and watch the houses burning and the crushed bodies of the victims being dragged out. They sicken me, this rotten crew--But this is not all France--great, dear, brave France--It is only one section of useless society. To-day the Duchesse de Courville-Hautevine came to call upon me--mounted all the stairs without even a wheeze--(the lift gave out again this morning!)--What a personality!--How I respect her! She has worked magnificently since the war began, her hospital is a wonder, her only son was killed fighting gloriously at Verdun.
"You look as melancholy as a sick cat," she told me.
She likes to speak her English--"Of what good Jeune homme! We are not done yet--I have cut some of my relatives who ran away from Paris--Imbeciles! Bertha is our diversion now, and the raids at night--jolly loud things!"--and she chuckled, detaching her scissors which had got caught in the purple woolen jersey she wore over her Red Cross uniform. She is quite indifferent to coquetry, this grande dame of the ancien regime!
"My blesss rejoice in them--Que voulez vous?--War is war--and there is no use in looking blue--Cheer up, young man!"
Then we talked of other things. She is witty and downright, and her every thought and action is kindly. I love la Duchesse--My mother was her dearest friend.
When she had stayed twenty minutes--she came over close to my chair.
"I knew you would be bitter at not being in the fight, my son," she said, patting me with her once beautiful hand, now red and hardened with work, "So I snatched the moments to come to see you. On your one leg you'll defend if the moment should come,--but it won't! And you--you wounded ones, spared--can keep the courage up. Tiens! you can at least pray, you have the time--I have not--Mais le Bon Dieu understands--."
And with that she left me, stopping to arrange her tightly curled fringe (she sticks to all old styles) at the lac mirror by the door. I felt better after she had gone--yes, it is that--God--why can't I fight!

III
Is some nerve being touched by the new treatment? I seem alternately to be numb and perfectly indifferent to how the war is going, and then madly interested. But I am too sensitive to leave my flat for any meals--I drive whenever one of the "fluffies" (this is what Maurice calls the widow, the divorce and other rejoicers of men's war hearts) can take me in her motor--No one else has a motor--There is no petrol for ordinary people.
"It reminds one of Louis XV's supposed reply to his daughters"--I said to Maurice yesterday. "When they asked him to make them a good road to the Chateau of their dear Gouvernante, the Duchesse de la Bove--He assured them he could not, his mistresses cost him too much! So they paid for it themselves, hence the 'Chemin des Dames.'"
"What reminds you of what--?" Maurice asked, looking horribly puzzled.
"The fluffies being able to get the petrol--."
"But I don't see, the connection?"
"It was involved--the mistresses got the money which should have made the road in those days, and now--."
Maurice was annoyed with himself; he could not yet see, and no wonder, for it was involved!--but I am angry that the widow and the divorce both have motors and I none!
"Poor Odette--she hates taxis! Why should she not have a motor?--You are grinchant, mon cher!--since she takes you out, too!"
"Believe me, Maurice, I am grateful, I shall repay all their kindnesses--they have all indicated how I can best do so--but I like to keep them