Man With Two Left Feet | Page 8

you, a human horseshoe like you, a king of
mascots like you--they don't make them nowadays. They've lost the
pattern. If you like to come with me I'll give you a contract for any
number of years you suggest. I need you in my business.' He rose.
'Think it over, laddie, and let me know tomorrow. Look here upon this
picture, and on that. As a sleuth you are poor. You couldn't detect a
bass-drum in a telephone-booth. You have no future. You are merely
among those present. But as a mascot--my boy, you're the only thing in
sight. You can't help succeeding on the stage. You don't have to know
how to act. Look at the dozens of good actors who are out of jobs. Why?
Unlucky. No other reason. With your luck and a little experience you'll
be a star before you know you've begun. Think it over, and let me know
in the morning.'
Before Henry's eyes there rose a sudden vision of Alice: Alice no
longer unattainable; Alice walking on his arm down the aisle; Alice
mending his socks; Alice with her heavenly hands fingering his salary
envelope.
'Don't go,' he said. 'Don't go. I'll let you know now.'
* * * * *
The scene is the Strand, hard by Bedford Street; the time, that restful
hour of the afternoon when they of the gnarled faces and the bright
clothing gather together in groups to tell each other how good they are.
Hark! A voice.
'Rather! Courtneidge and the Guv'nor keep on trying to get me, but I
turn them down every time. "No," I said to Malone only yesterday, "not
for me! I'm going with old Wally Jelliffe, the same as usual, and there

isn't the money in the Mint that'll get me away." Malone got all worked
up. He--'
It is the voice of Pifield Rice, actor.

EXTRICATING YOUNG GUSSIE
She sprang it on me before breakfast. There in seven words you have a
complete character sketch of my Aunt Agatha. I could go on
indefinitely about brutality and lack of consideration. I merely say that
she routed me out of bed to listen to her painful story somewhere in the
small hours. It can't have been half past eleven when Jeeves, my man,
woke me out of the dreamless and broke the news:
'Mrs Gregson to see you, sir.'
I thought she must be walking in her sleep, but I crawled out of bed and
got into a dressing-gown. I knew Aunt Agatha well enough to know
that, if she had come to see me, she was going to see me. That's the sort
of woman she is.
She was sitting bolt upright in a chair, staring into space. When I came
in she looked at me in that darn critical way that always makes me feel
as if I had gelatine where my spine ought to be. Aunt Agatha is one of
those strong-minded women. I should think Queen Elizabeth must have
been something like her. She bosses her husband, Spencer Gregson, a
battered little chappie on the Stock Exchange. She bosses my cousin,
Gussie Mannering-Phipps. She bosses her sister-in-law, Gussie's
mother. And, worst of all, she bosses me. She has an eye like a
man-eating fish, and she has got moral suasion down to a fine point.
I dare say there are fellows in the world--men of blood and iron, don't
you know, and all that sort of thing--whom she couldn't intimidate; but
if you're a chappie like me, fond of a quiet life, you simply curl into a
ball when you see her coming, and hope for the best. My experience is
that when Aunt Agatha wants you to do a thing you do it, or else you
find yourself wondering why those fellows in the olden days made such

a fuss when they had trouble with the Spanish Inquisition.
'Halloa, Aunt Agatha!' I said
'Bertie,' she said, 'you look a sight. You look perfectly dissipated.'
I was feeling like a badly wrapped brown-paper parcel. I'm never at my
best in the early morning. I said so.
'Early morning! I had breakfast three hours ago, and have been walking
in the park ever since, trying to compose my thoughts.'
If I ever breakfasted at half past eight I should walk on the
Embankment, trying to end it all in a watery grave.
'I am extremely worried, Bertie. That is why I have come to you.'
And then I saw she was going to start something, and I bleated weakly
to Jeeves to bring me tea. But she had begun before I could get it.
'What are your immediate plans, Bertie?'
'Well, I rather thought of tottering out for a bite of lunch later on, and
then possibly staggering round to