Malignant Self Love | Page 5

recurrently elicited.
The truth, of course, is that children ARE a part of their mother's identity in a superficial manner. Removing them would make her a different person, but only in the shallow, phenomenological sense of the word. Her deep-set, true identity is unlikely to change as a result.
But what is this kernel of identity that I am referring to? This immutable entity which is the definition of who we are and what we are and which, ostensibly, is not influenced by the death of our loved ones? What is so strong as to resist the breaking of habits that die-hard?
It is our personality. This elusive, loosely interconnected, interacting, pattern of reactions to our changing environment. Like the mind, it is difficult to define or to capture. Like the soul, many believe that it does not exist, that it is a fictitious convention. Yet, we know that we do have a personality. We feel it, we experience it. It sometimes encourages us to do things - or prevents us from doing them. It can be supple or rigid, benign or malignant, open or closed. Its power lies in its looseness. It is able to combine, recombine and permutate in hundreds of unforeseeable ways. It metamorphoses and the constancy of its rate and kind of change is what gives us a sense of identity.
Actually, when the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances - we say that it is disordered. A personality disorder is the ultimate misidentification.
The individual mistakes his habits for his identity. He identifies himself with his environment, taking behavioural, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from it. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated, inhabited, as it were, by the apparition of his True Self.
Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. The personality disordered sees no distinction between his self and his habits. He IS his habits and, therefore, by definition, can only rarely and with an incredible amount of exertion, change them. And, in the long-term, he is incapable of living because life is a struggle TOWARDS, a striving, a drive AT something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change is not really alive.
"Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited" was written under extreme conditions of duress. It was composed in jail as I was trying to understand what had hit me. My nine years old marriage dissolved, my finances were in a shocking condition, my family estranged, my reputation ruined, my personal freedom severely curtailed. Slowly, the realisation that it was all my fault, that I was sick and needed help penetrated the decades old defences that I erected around me. This book is the documentation of a road of self-discovery. It was a painful process, which led to nowhere. I am no different - and no healthier - today than I was when I wrote this book. My disorder is here to stay, the prognosis is poor and alarming.
The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take centre stage, instead. The narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of this loaded word.
He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists.
Otherwise, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions - so he feels.
To borrow Freud's trilateral model, the narcissist's Ego is weak, disorganised and lacks clear boundaries. Many of the Ego functions are projected. The Superego is sadistic and punishing. The Id is unrestrained.
Primary Objects in the narcissist's childhood were badly idealised and internalised.
His object relations are distraught and destroyed.
The first chapters offer a detailed, first hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It offers new insights and an organised methodological framework using a new psychodynamic language. It is intended for professionals.
The first part of the book is more accessible. It comprises 99 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) regarding narcissism and personality disorders. The posting of "Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited" on the Web has elicited a flood of excited, sad and heart rending responses, mostly from victims of narcissists but also from people suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a true picture of the resulting correspondence with them.
This book is heavy reading. It is not intended to please or to entertain. NPD is a pernicious, vile and tortuous disease, which affects not only the narcissist. It infects and forever changes people who are in daily contact with the narcissist. In other words: