Magic | Page 7

down the village about the wire to Stratford.

The only other thing at all urgent is the Militant Vegetarians.
DUKE. Ah! The Militant Vegetarians! You've heard of them, I'm sure.
Won't obey the law [to the CONJURER] so long as the Government
serves out meat.
CONJURER. Let them be comforted. There are a good many people
who don't get much meat.
DUKE. Well, well, I'm bound to say they're very enthusiastic.
Advanced, too--oh, certainly advanced. Like Joan of Arc.
[Short silence, in which the CONJURER stares at him.]
CONJURER. Was Joan of Arc a Vegetarian?
DUKE. Oh, well, it's a very high ideal, after all. The Sacredness of Life,
you know--the Sacredness of Life. [Shakes his head.] But they carry it
too far. They killed a policeman down in Kent.
CONJURER. Killed a policeman? How Vegetarian! Well, I suppose it
was, so long as they didn't eat him.
HASTINGS. They are asking only for small subscriptions. Indeed, they
prefer to collect a large number of half-crowns, to prove the popularity
of their movement. But I should advise....
DUKE. Oh, give them three shillings, then.
HASTINGS. If I might suggest....
DUKE. Hang it all! We gave the Anti-Vegetarians three shillings. It
seems only fair.
HASTINGS. If I might suggest anything, I think your Grace will be
wise not to subscribe in this case. The Anti-Vegetarians have already
used their funds to form gangs ostensibly to protect their own meetings.
And if the Vegetarians use theirs to break up the meetings--well, it will
look rather funny that we have paid roughs on both sides. It will be

rather difficult to explain when it comes before the magistrate.
DUKE. But I shall be the magistrate. [CONJURER stares at him again.]
That's the system, my dear Hastings, that's the advantage of the system.
Not a logical system--no Rousseau in it--but see how well it works! I
shall be the very best magistrate that could be on the Bench. The others
would be biassed, you know. Old Sir Lawrence is a Vegetarian himself;
and might be hard on the Anti-Vegetarian roughs. Colonel Crashaw
would be sure to be hard on the Vegetarian roughs. But if I've paid both
of 'em, of course I shan't be hard on either of 'em--and there you have it.
Just perfect impartiality.
HASTINGS. [Restrainedly.] Shall I take the programmes, your Grace?
DUKE. [Heartily.] No, no; I won't forget 'em. [Exit HASTINGS.] Well,
Professor, what's the news in the conjuring world?
CONJURER. I fear there is never any news in the conjuring world.
DUKE. Don't you have a newspaper or something? Everybody has a
newspaper now, you know. The--er--Daily Sword-Swallower or that
sort of thing?
CONJURER. No, I have been a journalist myself; but I think
journalism and conjuring will always be incompatible.
DUKE. Incompatible--Oh, but that's where I differ--that's where I take
larger views! Larger laws, as old Buffle said. Nothing's incompatible,
you know--except husband and wife and so on; you must talk to Morris
about that. It's wonderful the way incompatibility has gone forward in
the States.
CONJURER. I only mean that the two trades rest on opposite
principles. The whole point of being a conjurer is that you won't
explain a thing that has happened.
DUKE. Well, and the journalist?

CONJURER. Well, the whole point of being a journalist is that you do
explain a thing that hasn't happened.
DUKE. But you'll want somewhere to discuss the new tricks.
CONJURER. There are no new tricks. And if there were we shouldn't
want 'em discussed.
DUKE. I'm afraid you're not really advanced. Are you interested in
modern progress?
CONJURER. Yes. We are interested in all tricks done by illusion.
DUKE. Well, well, I must go and see how Morris is. Pleasure of seeing
you later.
[Exit DUKE, leaving the programmes.
CONJURER. Why are nice men such asses? [Turns to arrange the
table.] That seems all right. The pack of cards that is a pack of cards.
And the pack of cards that isn't a pack of cards. The hat that looks like
a gentleman's hat. But which, in reality, is no gentleman's hat. Only my
hat; and I am not a gentleman. I am only a conjurer, and this is only a
conjurer's hat. I could not take off this hat to a lady. I can take rabbits
out of it, goldfish out of it, snakes out of it. Only I mustn't take my own
head out of it. I suppose I'm a lower animal than a rabbit or a snake.
Anyhow they can get out of the conjurer's hat; and I can't. I am a
conjurer and nothing else but a conjurer. Unless I could show I was
something else, and that would be worse.
[He begins to dash the cards rather irregularly about the table. Enter
PATRICIA.
PATRICIA. [Coldly] I