Magic | Page 2

but he is engaged just now with the
Doctor.
SMITH. Is the Duke ill?
HASTINGS. [Laughing.] Oh, no; the Doctor has come to ask him to

help some cause or other. The Duke is never ill.
SMITH. Is the Doctor with him now?
HASTINGS. Why, strictly speaking, he is not. The Doctor has gone
over the road to fetch a paper connected with his proposal. But he
hasn't far to go, as you can see. That's his red lamp at the end of his
grounds.
SMITH. Yes, I know. I am much obliged to you. I will wait as long as
is necessary.
HASTINGS. [Cheerfully.] Oh, it won't be very long.
[Exit.
[Enter by the garden doors DR. GRIMTHORPE reading an open
paper. He is an old-fashioned practitioner, very much of a gentleman
and very carefully dressed in a slightly antiquated style. He is about
sixty years old and might have been a friend of Huxley's.
DOCTOR. [Folding up the paper.] I beg your pardon, sir, I did not
notice there was anyone here.
SMITH. [Amicably.] I beg yours. A new clergyman cannot expect to be
expected. I only came to see the Duke about some local affairs.
DOCTOR. [Smiling.] And so, oddly enough, did I. But I suppose we
should both like to get hold of him by a separate ear.
SMITH. Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm concerned. I've joined this
league for starting a model public-house in the parish; and in plain
words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription to it.
DOCTOR. [Grimly.] And, as it happens, I have joined in the petition
against the erection of a model public-house in this parish. The
similarity of our position grows with every instant.
SMITH. Yes, I think we must have been twins.

DOCTOR. [More good-humouredly.] Well, what is a model
public-house? Do you mean a toy?
SMITH. I mean a place where Englishmen can get decent drink and
drink it decently. Do you call that a toy?
DOCTOR. No; I should call that a conjuring trick. Or, in apology to
your cloth, I will say a miracle.
SMITH. I accept the apology to my cloth. I am doing my duty as a
priest. How can the Church have a right to make men fast if she does
not allow them to feast?
DOCTOR. [Bitterly.] And when you have done feasting them, you will
send them to me to be cured.
SMITH. Yes; and when you've done curing them you'll send them to
me to be buried.
DOCTOR. [After a pause, laughing.] Well, you have all the old
doctrines. It is only fair you should have all the old jokes too.
SMITH. [Laughing also.] By the way, you call it a conjuring trick that
poor people should drink moderately.
DOCTOR. I call it a chemical discovery that alcohol is not a food.
SMITH. You don't drink wine yourself?
DOCTOR. [Mildly startled.] Drink wine! Well--what else is there to
drink?
SMITH. So drinking decently is a conjuring trick that you can do,
anyhow?
DOCTOR. [Still good-humouredly.] Well, well, let us hope so. Talking
about conjuring tricks, there is to be conjuring and all kinds of things
here this afternoon.

SMITH. Conjuring? Indeed? Why is that?
Enter HASTINGS with a letter in each hand.
HASTINGS. His Grace will be with you presently. He asked me to deal
with the business matter first of all.
[He gives a note to each of them.
SMITH. [Turning eagerly to the DOCTOR.] But this is rather splendid.
The Duke's given £50 to the new public-house.
HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal.
[Collects papers.
DOCTOR. [Examining his cheque.] Very. But this is rather curious. He
has also given £50 to the league for opposing the new public-house.
HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal-minded.
[Exit.
SMITH. [Staring at his cheque.] Liberal-minded!... Absent-minded, I
should call it.
DOCTOR. [Sitting down and lighting a cigar.] Well, yes. The Duke
does suffer a little from absence [puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls
during the pause] of mind. He is all for compromise. Don't you know
the kind of man who, when you talk to him about the five best breeds
of dog, always ends up by buying a mongrel? The Duke is the kindest
of men, and always trying to please everybody. He generally finishes
by pleasing nobody.
SMITH. Yes; I think I know the sort of thing.
DOCTOR. Take this conjuring, for instance. You know the Duke has
two wards who are to live with him now?

SMITH. Yes. I heard something about a nephew and niece from
Ireland.
DOCTOR. The niece came from Ireland some months ago, but the
nephew comes back from America to-night. [He gets up abruptly and
walks about the room.] I think I will tell you all about it. In spite