Magic | Page 2

has gone over the road to fetch a paper connected with his proposal. But he hasn't far to go, as you can see. That's his red lamp at the end of his grounds.
SMITH. Yes, I know. I am much obliged to you. I will wait as long as is necessary.
HASTINGS. [Cheerfully.] Oh, it won't be very long.
[Exit.
[Enter by the garden doors DR. GRIMTHORPE reading an open paper. He is an old-fashioned practitioner, very much of a gentleman and very carefully dressed in a slightly antiquated style. He is about sixty years old and might have been a friend of Huxley's.
DOCTOR. [Folding up the paper.] I beg your pardon, sir, I did not notice there was anyone here.
SMITH. [Amicably.] I beg yours. A new clergyman cannot expect to be expected. I only came to see the Duke about some local affairs.
DOCTOR. [Smiling.] And so, oddly enough, did I. But I suppose we should both like to get hold of him by a separate ear.
SMITH. Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm concerned. I've joined this league for starting a model public-house in the parish; and in plain words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription to it.
DOCTOR. [Grimly.] And, as it happens, I have joined in the petition against the erection of a model public-house in this parish. The similarity of our position grows with every instant.
SMITH. Yes, I think we must have been twins.
DOCTOR. [More good-humouredly.] Well, what is a model public-house? Do you mean a toy?
SMITH. I mean a place where Englishmen can get decent drink and drink it decently. Do you call that a toy?
DOCTOR. No; I should call that a conjuring trick. Or, in apology to your cloth, I will say a miracle.
SMITH. I accept the apology to my cloth. I am doing my duty as a priest. How can the Church have a right to make men fast if she does not allow them to feast?
DOCTOR. [Bitterly.] And when you have done feasting them, you will send them to me to be cured.
SMITH. Yes; and when you've done curing them you'll send them to me to be buried.
DOCTOR. [After a pause, laughing.] Well, you have all the old doctrines. It is only fair you should have all the old jokes too.
SMITH. [Laughing also.] By the way, you call it a conjuring trick that poor people should drink moderately.
DOCTOR. I call it a chemical discovery that alcohol is not a food.
SMITH. You don't drink wine yourself?
DOCTOR. [Mildly startled.] Drink wine! Well--what else is there to drink?
SMITH. So drinking decently is a conjuring trick that you can do, anyhow?
DOCTOR. [Still good-humouredly.] Well, well, let us hope so. Talking about conjuring tricks, there is to be conjuring and all kinds of things here this afternoon.
SMITH. Conjuring? Indeed? Why is that?
Enter HASTINGS with a letter in each hand.
HASTINGS. His Grace will be with you presently. He asked me to deal with the business matter first of all.
[He gives a note to each of them.
SMITH. [Turning eagerly to the DOCTOR.] But this is rather splendid. The Duke's given ��50 to the new public-house.
HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal.
[Collects papers.
DOCTOR. [Examining his cheque.] Very. But this is rather curious. He has also given ��50 to the league for opposing the new public-house.
HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal-minded.
[Exit.
SMITH. [Staring at his cheque.] Liberal-minded!... Absent-minded, I should call it.
DOCTOR. [Sitting down and lighting a cigar.] Well, yes. The Duke does suffer a little from absence [puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls during the pause] of mind. He is all for compromise. Don't you know the kind of man who, when you talk to him about the five best breeds of dog, always ends up by buying a mongrel? The Duke is the kindest of men, and always trying to please everybody. He generally finishes by pleasing nobody.
SMITH. Yes; I think I know the sort of thing.
DOCTOR. Take this conjuring, for instance. You know the Duke has two wards who are to live with him now?
SMITH. Yes. I heard something about a nephew and niece from Ireland.
DOCTOR. The niece came from Ireland some months ago, but the nephew comes back from America to-night. [He gets up abruptly and walks about the room.] I think I will tell you all about it. In spite of your precious public-house you seem to me to be a sane man. And I fancy I shall want all the sane men I can get to-night.
SMITH. [Rising also.] I am at your service. Do you know, I rather guessed you did not come here only to protest against my precious public-house.
DOCTOR. [Striding about in subdued excitement.] Well, you guessed right. I was family physician to the Duke's brother in Ireland. I knew the family pretty well.
SMITH. [Quietly.] I suppose you mean you knew something odd about