Lyra Frivola | Page 5

Tutors and
Deans to look with contempt upon?(Observing the maxims of Raleigh and
Drake, who never thought much of a Don),?Let him think there are things in the nautical
line that even a Don can do,?For only too well are examiners versed in
the way to plough the Blue!
Though a Captain per se is an excellent
thing for repelling his country's foes,?He is better by far, as an engine of war, with
a knowledge of Logic and Prose:?And a bold A.B. is the nation's pride, in
his rude uncultured way,?But prouder still will the nation be when
he's also a bold B.A.!
CHORUS
For the Horse Marine will be Tutor and Dean,
in the glorious days to be,?With his Yo, heave ho, and his o e to, [1] and a
Master of Arts degree!
[1. Transcriber's note: the character group "o e to" was transliterated from the Greek characters omicron (with the rough-breathing diacritical), eta (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau, and omicron (with the soft-breathing diacritical).]
A DREAM
In sleep the errant phantasy,?No more by sense imprisoned,?Creates what possibly might be?But actually isn't:?And this my tale is past belief,?Of truth and reason emptied,?'Tis fiction manifest--in brief?I was asleep, and dreamt it.
I met a man by Isis' stream,?Whose phrase discreet and prudent,?Whose penchant for a learned theme?Proclaimed the Serious Student:?I never knew a scholar who?Could more at ease converse on?The latest Classical Review?Than that superior person.
He spoke of books--all manly sports?He deemed but meet for scoffing:?He did not know the Racquet Courts--?He'd never heard of golfing--?Professors ne'er were half so wise,?Nor Readers more sedate!?He was--I learnt with some surprise--?An undergraduate.
Another man I met, whose head?Was crammed with pastime's annals,?And who, to judge from what he said,?Must simply live in flannels:?A shallow mind his talk proclaimed,?And showed of culture no trace:?One "book" and one alone he named--?His own--'twas on the Boat-race.
"Of course," you cry, "some brainless lad,?Some scion of ancient Tories,?Bob Acres, sent to Oxford _ad?Emolliendos mores_,?Meant but to drain the festive glass?And win the athlete's pewter!"?There you are wrong: this person was?That undergraduate's Tutor.

Twas but a dream, I said above,?In concrete truth deficient,?Belonging to the region of?The wholly Unconditioned:?Yet, when I see how strange the ways?Of undergrad. and Don are,?Methinks it was, in classic phrase,?Not upar_ less than _onar. [1]
[1. Transcriber's note: the words "upar" and "onar" were transliterated from the Greek as follows: "upar"--upsilon (possibly with the rough-breathing diacritical), pi, alpha, and rho; "onar"--omicron (possibly with the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha, and rho.]
THE SCHOOL OF AGRICULTURE
I gazed with wild prophetic eye?Into the future vast and dim:?I saw the University?Indulge its last and strangest whim:?It did away with Mods and Greats,?Its other Schools abolished all:?And simply made its candidates?Read Science Agricultural.
They learnt to hoe: they learnt to plough:?To delve and dig was all their joy:?But O in ways we know not now?Those candidates we did employ:?No more, accepting of a bribe?To take these persons off our hands,?We sent them off, a studious tribe,?To distant climes and foreign lands.
We did not then examine in?The subjects which we could not teach?To those who Honours aimed to win?We taught their subjects, all and each?We made the Professoriate?Take from its Professorial shelf?Authorities of ancient date,?And teach the candidates itself
My scanty page could ne'er contain?Of works the long and learned list?By which it was their plan to train?The sucking agriculturist:?In brief, the arts of tilling land?Sufficiently imparted were?By great Professor Ellis, and?By great Professor Bywater.
One taught th' aspiring candidate?In Hesiod each alternate day:?One showed him how the crops rotate?From Cato De Re Rustica:?The bee that in our bonnets lurks?He taught to yield its honied store?By reading Columella's works?And also Virgil (Georgic Four).
Yet not by Theory alone?Did learning train the student mind--?Its exercise was carried on?In places properly assigned:?From toil by weather undeterred?In winter wild or burning June,?The precepts in the morning heard?They practised in the afternoon.
The Colleges, whose grassy plots?Are now resorts of vicious ease,?Were then laid out in little lots,?With useful beans and early peas:?Each merely ornamental sod?They dug with spades and hoed with hoes:?The wilderness in every quad?Was made to blossom as the rose.
The gardens too, with cereals decked,?Where tennis-courts no longer were,?Showed Agriculture's due effect?Upon the student's character:?No more by practices beguiled?Which Virtue with displeasure notes,?No longer dissolute and wild,?He sowed domesticated oats.
It was indeed a blissful state:?For Convocation's high decree?Dubbed the successful candidate?Magister Agriculturae:?And if he failed, his vows denied,?The world observed without surprise?That those who learnt the plough to guide?Were objects of its exercise!
THE LAST STRAW
Now Spring bedecks with nascent green?The meadows near and far,?And Sabbath calm pervades the scene,?And Sabbath punts the Cher.:?While I, like trees new drest by June,?Must bow to Fashion's law,?And wear on Sunday afternoon?A variegated Straw.
My Topper! so serenely sleek,?So beautifully tall,?Wherein I decked me once a week?Whene'er I went to call,--?No more shall now th' admiring maid,?While handing me my tea,?View her reflected charms displayed?(Narcissus-like) in thee!
Yet oh! though different