Lucky Pehr | Page 8

a human being estimated these days?
TAX ASSESSOR. Two per hundred, Your Grace;--all depends on what one is good for.
PEHR. Tell me, can't I withdraw while the gentlemen figure up? for I am both hungry and thirsty.
TAX ASSESSOR. Impossible! It must be done in the owner's presence.
PEHR. O Lord, what trials! But I may be allowed to sit down at least?
TAX ASSESSOR. As you please! [To assistants.] Two dozen plates with beveled edges--write! Six wine-coolers, with handles of finer metal--write! One sugar bowl, with sifting spoon, and two smaller ditto--write! Two dozen knives, with handles of mother-of-pearl-- brand new--write!
PEHR. See if I don't go crazy!
TAX ASSESSOR. Dining table of oak, with double leaves--write! Six walnut chairs. [Enter Lawyer.]
PEHR. One more!
LAWYER. Your Grace is summoned to the City Court to have tax No. 2867 legalized before twelve o'clock this day.
PEHR. The Court? Litigation? I never institute proceedings, sir!
LAWYER. It's not a question of litigation--only to verify facts.
PEHR. I don't wish to verify facts.
LAWYER. But to put the case--
PEHR. I don't want to put the case--I want my dinner! Butler, can't I take a sandwich? [Butler raises staff threateningly; enter petty constable.]
PEHR. Are there still more?
PETTY CONSTABLE. Your Grace is summoned to the Bar tomorrow at eleven o'clock for neglecting to keep the street clean.
PEHR. Must I keep the street clean--I, who am such a rich man! What, then, must I not do?
PETTY CONSTABLE. It is the duty of every householder to keep clean in front of his own house.
PEHR. Etiquette, taxation, put the case, keep yard and street clean, hunger and thirst--is that the rich man's lot! Then I would rather be a street sweeper and own myself. And I'm not allowed to turn these gentlemen out, who crowd into my room, and I cannot go my way when I choose!
[Enter petitioner, followed by a servant carrying two baskets of papers.]
PEHR. Mr. Lawyer and Mr. Constable, can't the law protect an unfortunate rich man so that he may have peace in his home, or is the law only for the poor?
LAWYER. Your Grace can no longer be regarded as an individual; for when one through riches has risen to the community's heights, one belongs to the whole.
PEHR. And so one is placed outside the law.
LAWYER. [Smiles; glances about.] Above the law, Your Grace!
PEHR. Ha--! What does this last friend want! Are there any presents in those baskets?
PETITIONER. Your Honorable Grace is appointed Church Warden--
PEHR. [Interrupts.] Called--
PETITIONER. Called to vote day after to-morrow.
PEHR. Eleven o'clock--
PETITIONER. Eleven o'clock-to be present at the election of the new Rector. But before that, Your Grace must take part in the preliminaries which are here inclosed, and which are for the purpose of showing the incompetence of the opposing candidate for the office.
PEHR. Must I read through two baskets full of papers between now and day after to-morrow? No, no!
PETITIONER. Perhaps Your Grace would like to give your vote to our candidate--
PEHR. Without having to read--is that permissible? Thank you, my good friend! Pen and ink!
PETITIONER. [Hands Pehr pen, ink and paper for signature.] Admirable! I thank Your Grace.
PEHR. [Embracing him.] Ah, it is I that must thank you!
BUTLER. [Raps on table three times with staff; servants enter with dishes.] Dinner is served. [All go except Pehr and butler.]
PEHR. [Sits down at table.] At last! [Soft music.] See, now they go when he commands; but when I beg, it's useless!
BUTLER. It is not my command they obey, Your Grace, but the rules of etiquette.
PEHR. And they transcend my will?
BUTLER. Laws are the agreements of many, and must of course come before the individual's will.
PEHR. I declare, he can answer all things! Now I shall enjoy myself at all events. Wine warms the heart, food warms the body--but where's the pleasure in loneliness? Mr. Butler, do the rules of etiquette permit that one has company when one is enjoying oneself?
BUTLER. I almost believe that something in that way is required.
PEHR. Well, then, I want--
[First Friend enters and rushes into Pehr's arms.]
FIRST FRIEND. Friend of my heart! So I see thee again after such a long separation! And you are like yourself--a little thinner than when I last saw you; but how's everything now, dear old chap?
PEHR. [Eyeing him.] Oh, thanks, thanks--very well indeed, as--ahem-- you see. Pray take a chair and sit down.
FIRST FRIEND. Why, bless my soul! I've just had dinner, but I'll go into your ante-room and wait there while you finish yours.
PEHR. No, that is just what you shall not do! I remarked a while ago that I thought life so empty when one must sit alone at table. Take a chair and sit down.
FIRST FRIEND. Dear old friend, if you insist I will sit beside you while you dine; but it actually looks as though I had come here for a meal.
PEHR. What matter even