Love Conquers All

Love Conquers All

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Love Conquers All, by Robert C. Benchley This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
Title: Love Conquers All
Author: Robert C. Benchley
Release Date: May 29, 2005 [EBook #15851]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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[Transcriber's note: Footnotes moved to end of story]

[Illustration: They look him over as if he were a fresh air child being given a day's outing.]

LOVE CONQUERS ALL
BY ROBERT C. BENCHLEY
ILLUSTRATED BY GLUYAS WILLIAMS
1922
Printed October, 1922

ACKNOWLEDGMENT
The author thanks the editors of the following publications for their permission to print the articles in this book: _Life, The New York World, The New York Tribune, The Detroit Athletic Club News, and The Consolidated Press Association_.

CONTENTS
I THE BENCHLEY-WHITTIER CORRESPONDENCE
II FAMILY LIFE IN AMERICA Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
III THIS CHILD KNOWS THE ANSWER--_DO YOU_?
IV RULES AND SUGGESTIONS FOE WATCHING AUCTION BRIDGE
V A CHRISTMAS SPECTACLE
VI HOW TO WATCH A CHESS MATCH
VII WATCHING BASEBALL
VIII HOW TO BE A SPECTATOR AT SPRING PLANTING
IX THE MANHATTADOR
X WHAT TO DO WHILE THE FAMILY IS AWAY
XI "ROLL YOUR OWN"
XII DO INSECTS THINK?
XIII THE SCORE IN THE STANDS
XIV MID-WINTER SPORTS
XV READING THE FUNNIES ALOUD
XVI OPERA SYNOPSES I Die Meister-Genossenschaft. II Il Minnestrone III Lucy de Lima
XVII THE YOUNG IDEA'S SHOOTING GALLERY
XVIII POLYP WITH A PAST
XIX HOLT! WHO GOES THERE?
XX THE COMMITTEE ON THE WHOLE
XXI NOTING AN INCREASE IN BIGAMY
XXII THE REAL WIGLAF: MAN AND MONARCH
XXIII FACING THE BOYS' CAMP PROBLEM
XXIV ALL ABOUT THE SILESIAN PROBLEM
XXV HAPPY THE HOME WHERE BOOKS ARE FOUND
XXVI WHEN NOT IN ROME, WHY DO AS THE ROMANS DID?
XXVII THE TOOTH, THE WHOLE TOOTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH
XXVIII MALIGNANT MIRRORS
XXIX THE POWER OF THE PRESS
XXX HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
XXXI HOW TO UNDERSTAND INTERNATIONAL FINANCE
XXXII 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SUMMER
XXXIII WELCOME HOME--AND SHUT UP
XXXIV ANIMAL STORIES I Georgie Dog II Lillian Mosquito
XXXV THE TARIFF UNMASKED
LITERARY DEPARTMENT
XXXVI "TAKE ALONG A BOOK"
XXXVII CONFESSIONS OF A CHESS CHAMPION
XXXVIII "RIP VAN WINKLE"
XXXIX LITERARY LOST AND FOUND DEPT.
XL "DARKWATER"
XLI THE NEW TIME-TABLE
XLII MR. BOK'S AMERICANIZATION
XLIII ZANE GREY'S MOVIE
XLIV SUPPRESSING "JURGEN"
XLV ANTI-IB��?EZ
XLVI ON BRICKLAYING
XLVII "AMERICAN ANNIVERSARIES"
XLVIII A WEEK-END WITH WELLS
XLIX ABOUT PORTLAND CEMENT
L OPEN BOOKCASES
LI TROUT-FISHING
LII "SCOUTING FOR GIRLS"
LIII HOW TO SELL GOODS
LIV "You!"
LV THE CATALOGUE SCHOOL
LVI "EFFECTIVE HOUSE ORGANS"
LVII ADVICE TO WRITERS
LVIII "THE EFFECTIVE SPEAKING VOICE"
LIX THOSE DANGEROUSLY DYNAMIC BRITISH GIRLS
LX BOOKS AND OTHER THINGS
LXI "MEASURE YOUR MIND"
LXII THE BROW-ELEVATION IN HUMOR
LXIII BUSINESS LETTERS

ILLUSTRATIONS
They look him over as if he were a fresh air child being given a day's outing.
The watcher walks around the table, giving each hand a careful scrutiny.
"'Round and 'round the tree I go"
"Atta boy, forty-nine: Only one more to go!"
For three hours there is a great deal of screaming.
He was further aided by the breaks of the game.
Mrs. Deemster didn't enter into the spirit of the thing at all.
"That's right," says the chairman.
"If you weren't asleep what were you doing with your eyes closed?"
You would gladly change places with the most lawless of God's creatures.
I am mortified to discover that the unpleasant looking man is none other than myself.
"I can remember you when you were that high"
She would turn away and bite her lip.
"Listen Ed! This is how it goes!"
They intimate that I had better take my few pennies and run 'round the corner to some little haberdashery.
I thank them and walk in to the nearest dining-room table.
"Why didn't you tell us that you were reading a paper on birth control?"

LOVE CONQUERS ALL

I.
THE BENCHLEY-WHITTIER CORRESPONDENCE
Old scandals concerning the private life of Lord Byron have been revived with the recent publication of a collection of his letters. One of the big questions seems to be: _Did Byron send Mary Shelley's letter to Mrs. R.B. Hoppner_? Everyone seems greatly excited about it.
Lest future generations be thrown into turmoil over my correspondence after I am gone, I want right now to clear up the mystery which has puzzled literary circles for over thirty years. I need hardly add that I refer to what is known as the "Benchley-Whittier Correspondence."
The big question over which both my biographers and Whittier's might possibly come to blows is this, as I understand it: Did John Greenleaf Whittier ever receive the letters I wrote to him in the late Fall of 1890? _If he did not, who did? And under what circumstances were they written_?
I was a very young man at the time, and Mr. Whittier was, naturally, very old. There had been a meeting of the Save-Our-Song-Birds Club in old Dane Hall (now demolished) in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Members had left their coats and hats in the check-room at the