Knocking the Neighbors

Knocking the Neighbors, by George Ade

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Title: Knocking the Neighbors
Author: George Ade
Illustrator: Albert Leverrin
Release Date: November 16, 2006 [EBook #19829]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ASCII
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KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS
BY GEORGE ADE AUTHOR OF "THE COLLEGE WIDOW," "FABLES IN SLANG," ETC.
Illustrated by Albert Leverin
GARDEN CITY NEW YORK DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 1912
Copyright, 1911, 1912, by GEORGE ADE
Copyright, 1912, by DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian
CONTENTS The Roystering Blades The Flat-Dweller The Advantage of a Good Thing The Common Carrier The Heir and the Heiress The Undecided Bachelors The Wonderful Meal of Vittles The Galloping Pilgrim The Progressive Maniac Cognizant of our Shortcomings The Divine Spark Two Philanthropic Sons The Juvenile and Mankind The Honeymoon That Tried to Come Back The Local Pierpont The Life of the Party The Galumptious Girl Everybody's Friend and the Line-Bucker The Through Train The Long and Lonesome Ride Out of Class B into the King Row The Boy Who Was Told The Night Given over to Revelry He Should Have Overslept The Dancing Man The Collision How Albert Sat In The Treasure in the Strong Box The Old-Fashioned Prosecutor The Unruffled Wife and the Gallus Husband Books Made to Balance The Two Unfettered Birds The Telltale Tintype
ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted]
KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS
THE ROYSTERING BLADES
Out in the Celery Belt of the Hinterland there is a stunted Flag-Station.
Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and Stock Car, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and take on a Crate of Eggs.
In this Settlement the Leading Citizens still wear Gum Arctics with large Buckles, and Parched Corn is served at Social Functions.
Two highly respected Money-Getters of pure American Stock held forth in this lonesome Kraal and did a General Merchandizing.
One was called Milt, in honor of the Blind Poet, and the other claimed the following brief Monicker, to wit: Henry.
These two Pillars of Society had marched at the head of the Women and School Children during the Dry Movement which banished King Alcohol from their Fair City.
As a result of their Efforts, Liquor was not to be obtained in this Town except at the Drug Stores and Restaurants or in the Cellar underlying any well-conducted Home.
For Eleven Months and Three Weeks out of every Calendar Year these two played Right and Left Tackle in the Stubborn Battle to Uplift the Community and better the Moral Tone.
They walked the Straight and Narrow, wearing Blinders, Check-Reins, Hobbles and Interference Pads.
Very often a Mother would hurry her little Brood to the Front Window when Milt or Henry passed by, carrying under his arm a Package of Corn Flakes and the Report of the General Secretary in charge of Chinese Missionary Work.
"Look!" she would say, indicating Local Paragon with index Finger. "If you always wash behind the Ears and learn your Catechism, you may grow up to be like Him."
But--every Autumn, about the time the Frost is on the Stock Market and Wall Street is in the Shock, Milt and Henry would do a Skylark Ascension from the Home Nest and Wing away toward the rising Sun.
They called it Fall Buying because both of them Bought and both of them Fell.
At Home neither of them would Kick In for any Pastime more worldly than a 10-cent M. P. Show depicting a large number of Insane People falling over Precipices.
The Blow-Off came on the Trip to the City. That was the Big Entertainment.
Every Nickel that could be held out went into the little Tin Bank, for they knew that when they got together 100 of these Washers, a man up in New York would let them have some Tiffany Water of Rare Vintage, with a Napkin wrapped around it as an Evidence of Good Faith.
On Winter Evenings Milt would don the Velvet Slippers and grill his Lower Extremities on the ornate Portico such as surrounds every high- priced Base-Burner.
While thus crisping himself he loved to read New Notes from Gotham.
He believed what it said in the Paper about a well-known Heiress having the Teeth of her favorite Pomeranian filled with Radium at a Cost of $120,000.
Whenever he got this kind of a Private Peek into the Gay Life of the Modern Babylon, he began to breathe through his Nose and tug at the Leash.
He longed to dash away on the Erie to look at the Iron Fence in front of the House of the Pomeranian.
When the