Judith of the Plains | Page 6

I git for fifty chips? 'Tain't
much," mused the pariah, with the prompt inclination to spend that
stamps the comparative stranger to ready money.
"Ye can git a parrut, man--a grane parrut--to kape ye coompany while
ye're aiting--"
Simpson interrupted with an oath.
"Don't be hard on old Simmy; remember he's studied for the ministry!
How did I savey that Simpson aimed to be a sharp on doctrine?" A
cow-puncher with a squint addressed the table in general. "I scents the
aroma of dogma about Simpson in the way he throwed his
conversational lariat at the yearling. He urbanes at her, and then comes
his 'firstly,' it being a speculation as to her late grazing-ground, which

he concludes to be the East. His 'secondly' ain't nothing startling, words
familiar to us all from our mother's knee--'nice weather'--the
congregation ain't visibly moved. His 'thirdly' is insinuating. In it he
hints that it ain't good for man to be alone at meals--"
"'Twas the congregation that added the 'foinelly,' though, before hastily
leaving be the back door!" and Costigan slapped his thigh.
"The gentleman in question don't seem to be makin' much use of his
present conversational opportunities. I'm feelin' kinder turned down
myself"; and the Texan began to look over his six-shooter.
The man with the squint looked up and down the board.
"Gentlemen, I believe the foregoing expresses the sentiment of this
company, which, while it incloodes many foreign and frequent-warring
elements, is at present held together by the natchral tie of eating."
Thumping with knife and fork handles, stamping of feet, cries of "Hear!
hear!" with at least three cow-boy yells, argued well for a resumption
of last night's festivities. Simpson glowered, but said nothing.
"Seems to me you-all goin' the wrong way 'bout drawin' Mistu'
Simpson out. He is shy an' has to be played fo' like a trout, an' heah
you-all come at him like a cattle stampede." The big Texan leaned
towards Simpson. "Now you-all watch my methods. Mistu' Simpson,
seh, what du think of the prospects of rain?"
There was a general recommendation from Simpson that the entire
company go to a locality below the rain-belt.
A boy, plainly "from the East," and looking as if the ink on his
graduating thesis had scarce had time to dry, was on his feet,
swaggering; he would not have swapped his newly acquired
camaraderie with these bronzed Westerners for the Presidency.
"Gentlemen, you have all heard Simpson say it is lonesome having no
one to talk to during meals. We sympathized with him and offered him

a choice of subjects. He greets our remarks by a conspicuous silence,
varied by profanity. This, gentlemen, reflects on us, and is a matter
demanding public satisfaction. All who feel that their powers as
conversationalists have been impugned by the silence of Simpson,
please say 'Ay.'"
"Ay" was howled, sung, and roared in every note of the gamut.
"If me yoong frind here an me roight"--and Costigan jerked a shoulder
towards the boy--"will be afther closin' that silf-feeding automatic
dictionary av his for a moment, I shud be glad to call the attintion av
the coomp'ny to somethin' in the nature av an ixtinuatin'
circoomsthance in the case av Simpson."
"Hear! hear!" they shouted. The broad countenance of Costigan
beamed with joy at what he was about to say. "Gintlemin, the silence
av Mr. Simpson is jew in all probabilitee to a certain ivint recalled by
many here prisint, an' more that's absent, an' amicablee settled out av
coort--"
Up to this time the unhappy Simpson had shown an almost superhuman
endurance. Now he bristled--and after looking up and down the board
for a sympathetic face, and not finding one, he declared, loudly and
generally, "'Tain't so!"
"Ye may have noticed that frind Simpson do be t'reatened wid lockjaw
in the societee av min, but in the prisince av a female ye can't count on
him. Now, talk wid a female is an agreeable, if not a profitable, way av
passin' the toime, but sure ye niver know where it will ind--as witness
Simpson. This lady I'm recallin'--'tis a matther av two years
ago--followed the ancient and honorable profission av biscuit shootin'
not far from Caspar. Siz Simpson to the lady some such passin' civilitee
as, 'Good-marnin'; plisent weather we're havin'.' Whereupon the lady
filt a damage to her affictions an' sued him for breach av promise."
"'Twan't that way, at all!" screamed Simpson. "'Sall a lie!"
"Yu ought er said 'Good-evenin'' to the lady, Mistu Simpson; hit make

a diffunce," drawled the man from Texas, pleasantly.
"But 'twas 'Good-marnin'' Simpson made chyce av," resumed Costigan.
"An' the lady replied, 'You've broke my heart.' Whereupon Simpson,
havin' a matther av t'ree thousand dollars to pay for his passin' civilitee,
learned thot silince was goolden."