Journal of Arthur Stirling | Page 5

that height, you will hold that flaming glory before your eyes, and you will hammer it into words. Yes, that is the terror--into words--into words that leap the hilltops, that bring the ends of existence together in a lightning flash. You will take them as they come, white-hot, in wild tumult, and you will forge them, and force them. You will seize them in your naked hands and wrestle with them, and bend them to your will--all that is the making of a poem. And last and worst of all, you will hold them in your memory, the long, long surge of them; the torrent of whirling thought--you will hold it in your memory! You are dazed with excitement, exhausted with your toil, trembling with pain; but you have built a tower out of cards, and you have mounted to the clouds upon it, and there you are poised. And anything that happens--anything!--Ah, God, why can the poet not escape from his senses?--a sound, a touch--and it is gone!
These things drive you mad.--
But meanwhile it is not gone yet. You have still a whole scene in your consciousness--as if you were a juggler, tossing a score of golden balls. And all the time, while you work, you learn it--you learn it! It is endless, but you learn it. In the midst of it, perhaps, you come down of sheer exhaustion; and you lie there, panting, shuddering, your hands moist; you dare not think, you wait. And then by and by you begin again--if it will not come, you make it come, you lash yourself like a dumb beast--up, up, to the mountain-tops again. And then once more the thing comes back--you live the scene again, as an actor does, and you shape it and you master it. And now in the midst of it, you find this highest of all moments is gone! It is gone, and you can not find it! Those words that came as a trumpet-clash, burning your very flesh--that melody that melted your whole being to tears--they are gone--you can not find them! You search and you search--but you can not find them. And so you stumble on, in despair and agony; and still you dare not rest. You dare not ever rest in this until the thing is done--done and over--until you have nailed it fast. So you go back again, though perhaps you are so tired that you are fainting; but you fight yourself like a madman, you struggle until you feel a thing at your heart like a wild beast; and you keep on, you hold it fast and learn it, clinch it tight, and make it yours forever. I have done that same thing five times to-day without a rest; and toiled for five hours in that frenzy; and then lain down upon the ground, with my head on fire.
Afterward when you have recovered you sit down, and for two or three hours you write; you have it whole in your memory now--you have but to put it down. And this forlorn, wet, bedraggled thing--this miserable, stammering, cringing thing--this is your poem!
* * * * *
Some day the world will realize these things, and then they will present their poor poets with diamonds and palaces, and other things that do not help.
I wrote this, and then I leaned back, tired out. My thoughts turned to Shakespeare, and while I was thinking of him--
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad, Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastern hill!
* * * * *
April 11th.
I have not done much to-day. I spent the morning brooding over the opening speech. It is somber and terrible, but I have not gotten it right. It must have a tread--a tread like an orchestra! Ah, how I wish I had an orchestra!--I would soon do it then--_"So bist nun ewig du verdammt!"_
The secret of the thing is iteration. I must find a word that is like a hammer-stroke. I have tried twenty, but I have not found the one.
* * * * *
--I spent the rest of the day thinking over the whole first act, mapping it out, so to speak.
I have often fancied a resemblance between The Captive and the C-minor symphony; I wonder if any one else would have thought of it. It is not merely the opening--it is the whole content of the thing--the struggle of a prisoned spirit. I would call The Captive a symphony, and print the C-minor themes in it, only it would seem fanciful.--But it would not really be fanciful to put the second theme opposite the thought of freedom--of the blue sky and the dawning spring.
All except the scherzo. I couldn't find room for the scherzo. Men who have wrestled with the demons of hell do not tumble around