Journal of Arthur Stirling | Page 5

gossiping about it.--But I am tired out.
* * * * *
The writing of a book is like the bearing of a child. But every
birth-pang of the former lasts for hours; and it is months before the
labor is done.
It is not merely the vision, the hour of exultation; that is but the setting
of the task. Now you will take that ecstasy, and hold on to it, hold on
with soul and body; you will keep yourself at that height, you will hold
that flaming glory before your eyes, and you will hammer it into words.
Yes, that is the terror--into words--into words that leap the hilltops, that
bring the ends of existence together in a lightning flash. You will take
them as they come, white-hot, in wild tumult, and you will forge them,
and force them. You will seize them in your naked hands and wrestle
with them, and bend them to your will--all that is the making of a poem.
And last and worst of all, you will hold them in your memory, the long,
long surge of them; the torrent of whirling thought--you will hold it in
your memory! You are dazed with excitement, exhausted with your toil,
trembling with pain; but you have built a tower out of cards, and you
have mounted to the clouds upon it, and there you are poised. And
anything that happens--anything!--Ah, God, why can the poet not
escape from his senses?--a sound, a touch--and it is gone!
These things drive you mad.--
But meanwhile it is not gone yet. You have still a whole scene in your
consciousness--as if you were a juggler, tossing a score of golden balls.

And all the time, while you work, you learn it--you learn it! It is
endless, but you learn it. In the midst of it, perhaps, you come down of
sheer exhaustion; and you lie there, panting, shuddering, your hands
moist; you dare not think, you wait. And then by and by you begin
again--if it will not come, you make it come, you lash yourself like a
dumb beast--up, up, to the mountain-tops again. And then once more
the thing comes back--you live the scene again, as an actor does, and
you shape it and you master it. And now in the midst of it, you find this
highest of all moments is gone! It is gone, and you can not find it!
Those words that came as a trumpet-clash, burning your very
flesh--that melody that melted your whole being to tears--they are
gone--you can not find them! You search and you search--but you can
not find them. And so you stumble on, in despair and agony; and still
you dare not rest. You dare not ever rest in this until the thing is
done--done and over--until you have nailed it fast. So you go back
again, though perhaps you are so tired that you are fainting; but you
fight yourself like a madman, you struggle until you feel a thing at your
heart like a wild beast; and you keep on, you hold it fast and learn it,
clinch it tight, and make it yours forever. I have done that same thing
five times to-day without a rest; and toiled for five hours in that frenzy;
and then lain down upon the ground, with my head on fire.
Afterward when you have recovered you sit down, and for two or three
hours you write; you have it whole in your memory now--you have but
to put it down. And this forlorn, wet, bedraggled thing--this miserable,
stammering, cringing thing--this is your poem!
* * * * *
Some day the world will realize these things, and then they will present
their poor poets with diamonds and palaces, and other things that do
not help.
I wrote this, and then I leaned back, tired out. My thoughts turned to
Shakespeare, and while I was thinking of him--
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad, Walks o'er the dew of yon
high eastern hill!
* * * * *
April 11th.
I have not done much to-day. I spent the morning brooding over the
opening speech. It is somber and terrible, but I have not gotten it right.

It must have a tread--a tread like an orchestra! Ah, how I wish I had an
orchestra!--I would soon do it then--_"So bist nun ewig du
verdammt!"_
The secret of the thing is iteration. I must find a word that is like a
hammer-stroke. I have tried twenty, but I have not found the one.
* * * * *
--I spent the rest of the day thinking over the whole first act, mapping it
out, so to speak.
I have often fancied a resemblance between The Captive and the
C-minor symphony;