Jokes For All Occasions | Page 8

he himself never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.
"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the editor asked.
"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in an obscure corner. It read:
"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, and this was:
"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
AFFECTION
There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his cheeks, interrupted loudly:
"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"
AGE
The woman confessed to her crony:
"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."
ALIBI
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried:
"John Henry, are you out there?"
An answer came clearly:
"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"
AMNESTY
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown.
"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow."
"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was a policeman."
ANATOMY
The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his message in these words:
"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"
APPEARANCE
Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:
"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!"
Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.
"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?"
APPEARANCE
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:
"With pleasure."
APPETITE
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
"Who are you?"
"I am Enoch, the egg king."
"What is your specialty?"
"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting."
"Do you know our program?"
"What is it?"
"We give four shows every day."
"Oh, yes, I understand that."
"And do you think you can do it?"
"I know I can."
"On Saturdays we give six shows."
"All right."
"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to sign a contract."
"What?"
"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
* * *
Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most ponderous senatorial manner:
"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other times, but never less."
* * *
It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:
"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight--that's appetite!"
APPRECIATION
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked:
"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."
"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.
"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed. "That's Wordsworth, the poet."
The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
"Is that old file a poet?"