John Bulls Other Island | Page 5

HAFFIGAN. Tim Haffigan, sir, at your service. The top o the mornin
to you, Misther Broadbent.
BROADBENT [delighted with his Irish visitor]. Good afternoon, Mr
Haffigan.
TIM. An is it the afthernoon it is already? Begorra, what I call the
mornin is all the time a man fasts afther breakfast.
BROADBENT. Haven't you lunched?
TIM. Divil a lunch!
BROADBENT. I'm sorry I couldn't get back from Brighton in time to
offer you some; but--
TIM. Not a word, sir, not a word. Sure it'll do tomorrow. Besides, I'm
Irish, sir: a poor ather, but a powerful dhrinker.
BROADBENT. I was just about to ring for tea when you came. Sit
down, Mr Haffigan.
TIM. Tay is a good dhrink if your nerves can stand it. Mine can't.
Haffigan sits down at the writing table, with his back to the filing

cabinet. Broadbent sits opposite him. Hodson enters emptyhanded;
takes two glasses, a siphon, and a tantalus from the cupboard; places
them before Broadbent on the writing table; looks ruthlessly at
Haffigan, who cannot meet his eye; and retires.
BROADBENT. Try a whisky and soda.
TIM [sobered]. There you touch the national wakeness, sir. [Piously]
Not that I share it meself. I've seen too much of the mischief of it.
BROADBENT [pouring the whisky]. Say when.
TIM. Not too sthrong. [Broadbent stops and looks enquiringly at him].
Say half-an-half. [Broadbent, somewhat startled by this demand, pours
a little more, and again stops and looks]. Just a dhrain more: the lower
half o the tumbler doesn't hold a fair half. Thankya.
BROADBENT [laughing]. You Irishmen certainly do know how to
drink. [Pouring some whisky for himself] Now that's my poor English
idea of a whisky and soda.
TIM. An a very good idea it is too. Dhrink is the curse o me unhappy
counthry. I take it meself because I've a wake heart and a poor
digestion; but in principle I'm a teetoatler.
BROADBENT [suddenly solemn and strenuous]. So am I, of course.
I'm a Local Optionist to the backbone. You have no idea, Mr Haffigan,
of the ruin that is wrought in this country by the unholy alliance of the
publicans, the bishops, the Tories, and The Times. We must close the
public-houses at all costs [he drinks].
TIM. Sure I know. It's awful [he drinks]. I see you're a good Liberal
like meself, sir.
BROADBENT. I am a lover of liberty, like every true Englishman, Mr
Haffigan. My name is Broadbent. If my name were Breitstein, and I
had a hooked nose and a house in Park Lane, I should carry a Union
Jack handkerchief and a penny trumpet, and tax the food of the people
to support the Navy League, and clamor for the destruction of the last
remnants of national liberty--
TIM. Not another word. Shake hands.
BROADBENT. But I should like to explain--
TIM. Sure I know every word you're goin to say before yev said it. I
know the sort o man yar. An so you're thinkin o comin to Ireland for a
bit?
BROADBENT. Where else can I go? I am an Englishman and a Liberal;

and now that South Africa has been enslaved and destroyed, there is no
country left to me to take an interest in but Ireland. Mind: I don't say
that an Englishman has not other duties. He has a duty to Finland and a
duty to Macedonia. But what sane man can deny that an Englishman's
first duty is his duty to Ireland? Unfortunately, we have politicians here
more unscrupulous than Bobrikoff, more bloodthirsty than Abdul the
Damned; and it is under their heel that Ireland is now writhing.
TIM. Faith, they've reckoned up with poor oul Bobrikoff anyhow.
BROADBENT. Not that I defend assassination: God forbid! However
strongly we may feel that the unfortunate and patriotic young man who
avenged the wrongs of Finland on the Russian tyrant was perfectly
right from his own point of view, yet every civilized man must regard
murder with abhorrence. Not even in defence of Free Trade would I lift
my hand against a political opponent, however richly he might deserve
it.
TIM. I'm sure you wouldn't; and I honor you for it. You're goin to
Ireland, then, out o sympithy: is it?
BROADBENT. I'm going to develop an estate there for the Land
Development Syndicate, in which I am interested. I am convinced that
all it needs to make it pay is to handle it properly, as estates are handled
in England. You know the English plan, Mr Haffigan, don't you?
TIM. Bedad I do, sir. Take all you can out of Ireland and spend it in
England: that's it.
BROADBENT [not quite liking this]. My plan, sir, will be to take a
little money out of England and spend it in Ireland.
TIM.