John Bull | Page 3

laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption; took a sarvingman----
Dan. That's I.--I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired me.
Dennis. And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer since I have been a publican.
Dan. See!--See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!--and a coming this road.
Dennis. Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow.
Dan. I will--Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie.
Dennis. And harkye:--say there's an accomplish'd landlord.
Dan. Ees--and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that.
Dennis. And, Dan;--sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that has sour'd all the beer, you know.
Dan. What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant un! [Exit.
Dennis. Wife!--I must tell her the joyful news--Mrs. Brulgruddery! my dear!--Devil choak my dear!--she's as deaf as a trunk-maker--Mrs. Brulgruddery!
Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY.
Mrs. Brul. And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery? What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd like to know?
Dennis. Mighty like a mile-stone--standing still, at this present writing.
Mrs. Brul. A pretty situation we are in truly!
Dennis. Yes;--upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it.
Mrs. Brul. And, where is the fortune I brought you?
Dennis. All swallow'd up by the Red Cow.
Mrs. Brul. Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have been in such a quandary.
Dennis. Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this public house?
Mrs. Brul. No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept it. But, who advised you to drink out all the brandy?
Dennis. No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it.
Mrs. Brul. Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears into my eyes, as you do! [Crying.
Dennis. I know that--I saw you at his funeral.
Mrs. Brul. You're a monster!
Dennis. Am I?--Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin.
Mrs. Brul. You'll be the death of me; you know you will.
Dennis. Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a small morsel of consolation.
Mrs. Brul. Consolation indeed!
Dennis. Yes--There's a customer coming.
Mrs. Brul. [Brightening.] What!
Dennis. A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath, yonder. Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into a fish basket.
Mrs. Brul. Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I knew how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it was all by my advice you took the Red Cow.
Dennis. Och ho! it was, was it?
Mrs. Brul. I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I hav'n't prophesied a customer to-day for nothing. [Goes into the House.
Dennis. Troth, and it's prophesying on the sure side, to foretell a thing when it has happen'd.
Enter DAN, conducting PEREGRINE--PEREGRINE carrying a small Trunk under his Arm.
Pereg. I am indifferent about accommodations.
Dan. Our'n be a comfortable parlour, zur: you'll find it clean: for I wash'd un down mysen, wringing wet, five minutes ago.
Pereg. You have told me so, twenty times.
Dan. This be the Red Cow, zur, as you may see by the pictur; and here be measter--he'll treat ye in a hospital manner, zur, and show you a deal o' contention.
Dennis. I'll be bound, sir, you'll get good entertainment, whether you are a man or a horse.
Pereg. You may lodge me as either, friend. I can sleep as well in a stable as a bedchamber; for travel has season'd me.--Since I have preserved this [Half aside, and pointing to the Trunk under his Arm], I can lay my head upon it with tranquility, and repose any where.
Dennis. 'Faith, it seems a mighty decent, hard bolster. What is it stuff'd with, I wonder?
Pereg. That which keeps the miser awake--money.
Dan. Wauns! all that money!
Dennis. I'd be proud, sir, to know your upholsterer--he should make me a feather bed gratis of the same pretty materials. If that was all my own, I'd sleep like a pig, though I'm married to Mrs. Brulgruddery.
Pereg. I shall sleep better, because it is not my own.
Dennis. Your own's in a snugger place, then? safe from the sharks of this dirty world, and be hang'd to 'em!
Pereg. Except the purse in my pocket, 'tis, now, I fancy, in a place most frequented by the sharks of this world.
Dennis. London, I suppose?
Pereg. The bottom of the sea.
Dennis. By my soul, that's a watering place--and you'll find sharks there, sure enough in all conscience.
Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY.
Mrs. Brul. What would you chuse to take, sir, after your walk this raw morning?