John Bull | Page 3

three weeks, she was Mrs.
Brulgruddery.
Dan. He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money?
Dennis. Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad
luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth
chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague.
Dan. Why, that be this very house.
Dennis. Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the remainder of
the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery: laid out her
goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the goodwill; bought
three pigs, that are going into a consumption; took a sarvingman----
Dan. That's I.--I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired me.
Dennis. And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer since I
have been a publican.
Dan. See!--See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!--and a
coming this road.
Dennis. Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he may be
a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him there's elegant
refreshment at the Red Cow.
Dan. I will--Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie.
Dennis. And harkye:--say there's an accomplish'd landlord.
Dan. Ees--and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that.

Dennis. And, Dan;--sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that has
sour'd all the beer, you know.
Dan. What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used to
drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant un!
[Exit.
Dennis. Wife!--I must tell her the joyful news--Mrs. Brulgruddery! my
dear!--Devil choak my dear!--she's as deaf as a trunk-maker--Mrs.
Brulgruddery!
Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY.
Mrs. Brul. And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery?
What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd
like to know?
Dennis. Mighty like a mile-stone--standing still, at this present writing.
Mrs. Brul. A pretty situation we are in truly!
Dennis. Yes;--upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it.
Mrs. Brul. And, where is the fortune I brought you?
Dennis. All swallow'd up by the Red Cow.
Mrs. Brul. Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have been
in such a quandary.
Dennis. Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this public
house?
Mrs. Brul. No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept it. But,
who advised you to drink out all the brandy?
Dennis. No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it.
Mrs. Brul. Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears into

my eyes, as you do! [Crying.
Dennis. I know that--I saw you at his funeral.
Mrs. Brul. You're a monster!
Dennis. Am I?--Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin.
Mrs. Brul. You'll be the death of me; you know you will.
Dennis. Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a
small morsel of consolation.
Mrs. Brul. Consolation indeed!
Dennis. Yes--There's a customer coming.
Mrs. Brul. [Brightening.] What!
Dennis. A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath, yonder.
Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into a fish
basket.
Mrs. Brul. Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I knew
how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it was all
by my advice you took the Red Cow.
Dennis. Och ho! it was, was it?
Mrs. Brul. I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I hav'n't
prophesied a customer to-day for nothing. [Goes into the House.
Dennis. Troth, and it's prophesying on the sure side, to foretell a thing
when it has happen'd.
Enter DAN, conducting PEREGRINE--PEREGRINE carrying a small
Trunk under his Arm.
Pereg. I am indifferent about accommodations.

Dan. Our'n be a comfortable parlour, zur: you'll find it clean: for I
wash'd un down mysen, wringing wet, five minutes ago.
Pereg. You have told me so, twenty times.
Dan. This be the Red Cow, zur, as you may see by the pictur; and here
be measter--he'll treat ye in a hospital manner, zur, and show you a deal
o' contention.
Dennis. I'll be bound, sir, you'll get good entertainment, whether you
are a man or a horse.
Pereg. You may lodge me as either, friend. I can sleep as well in a
stable as a bedchamber; for travel has season'd me.--Since I have
preserved this [Half aside, and pointing to the Trunk under his Arm], I
can lay my head upon it with tranquility, and repose any where.
Dennis. 'Faith, it seems a mighty decent, hard bolster. What is it stuff'd
with, I wonder?
Pereg. That which keeps the miser awake--money.
Dan. Wauns! all that money!
Dennis. I'd be proud, sir, to