Joan Haste | Page 3

is by no means
unusual in country villages, the sense of it galled her, lowering her in

her own esteem. Still she bore no resentment against this dead and
erring mother, but rather loved her with a strange and wondering love
than which there could be nothing more pathetic. The woman who bore
her, but whom she had never seen with remembering eyes, was often in
her thoughts; and once, when some slight illness had affected the
balance of her mind, Joan believed that she came and kissed her on the
brow--a vision whereof the memory was sweet to her, though she knew
it to be but a dream. Perhaps it was because she had nothing else to
love that she clung thus to the impalpable, making a companion of the
outcast dead whose blood ran in her veins. At the least this is sure, that
when her worries overcame her, or the sense of incongruity in her life
grew too strong, she was accustomed to seek this lowly mound, and,
seated by it, heedless of the weather, she would fix her eyes upon the
sea and soothe herself with a sadness that seemed deeper than her own.
Her aunt, indeed, was left to her, but from this relation she won no
comfort. From many incidents trifling in themselves, but in the mass
irresistible, Joan gathered that there had been little sympathy between
her mother and Mrs. Gillingwater--if, in truth, their attitude was not one
of mutual dislike. It would appear also that in her own case this want of
affection was an hereditary quality, seeing that she found it difficult to
regard her aunt with any feeling warmer than tolerance, and was in turn
held in an open aversion, which to Joan's mind, was scarcely mitigated
by the very obvious pride Mrs. Gillingwater took in her beauty. In these
circumstances Joan had often wondered why she was not dismissed to
seek her fortune. More than once, when after some quarrel she sought
leave to go, she found that there was no surer path to reconciliation
than to proffer this request; and speeches of apology, which, as she
knew well, were not due to any softening of Mrs. Gillingwater's temper,
or regret for hasty misbehaviour, were at once showered upon her.
To what, then, were they due? The question was one that Joan took
some years to answer satisfactorily. Clearly not to love, and almost as
clearly to no desire to retain her services, since, beyond attending to her
own room, she did but little work in the way of ministering to the wants
and comforts of the few customers of the Crown and Mitre, nor was she
ever asked to interest herself in such duties.

Gradually a solution to the riddle forced itself onto Joan's
intelligence--namely, that in some mysterious way her aunt and uncle
lived on her, not she on them. If this were not so, it certainly became
difficult to understand how they did live, in view of the fact that Mr.
Gillingwater steadily consumed the profits of the tap-room, if any, and
that they had no other visible means of subsistence. Yet money never
seemed to be wanting; and did Joan need a new dress, or any other
luxury, it was given to her without demur. More, when some years
since she had expressed a sudden and spontaneous desire for education;
after a few days' interval, which, it seemed to her, might well have been
employed in reference to superior powers in the background, she was
informed that arrangements had been made for her to be sent to a
boarding school in the capital of the county. She went, to find that her
fellow-pupils were for the most part the daughters of shopkeepers and
large farmers, and that in consequence the establishment was looked
down upon by the students of similar, but higher-class institutions in
the same town, and by all who belonged to them. Joan being sensitive
and ambitious, resented this state of affairs, though she had small
enough right to do so, and on her return home informed her aunt that
she wished to be taken away from that school and sent to another of a
better sort. The request was received without surprise, and again there
was a pause as though to allow of reference to others. Then she was
told that if she did not like her school she could leave it, but that she
was not to be educated above her station in life.
So Joan returned to the middle-class establishment, where she remained
till she was over nineteen years of age. On the whole she was very
happy there, for she felt that she was acquiring useful knowledge which
she could not have obtained at home. Moreover, among her
schoolfellows were certain