If

If

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Title: If
Author: Lord Dunsany
Release Date: May, 1998 [EBook #1311] [Yes, we are more than one
year ahead of schedule] [This file was first posted on September 10,
2002] [Most recently updated: September 10, 2002]
Edition: 11

Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, IF ***

If
by Lord Dunsany [Edward John Plunkett]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
JOHN BEAL MARY BEAL LIZA ALI BERT, BILL: two railway
porters THE MAN IN THE CORNER MIRALDA CLEMENT HAFIZ
EL ALCOLAHN DAOUD ARCHIE BEAL BAZZALOL,
THOOTHOOBABA: two Nubian door-keepers BEN HUSSEIN, Lord
of the Pass ZABNOOL, SHABEESH: two conjurers OMAR, a singer
ZAGBOOLA, mother of Hafiz THE SHEIK OF THE BISHAREENS
Notables, soldiers, Bishareens, dancers, etc.

IF

ACT I
SCENE 1
A small railway station near London. Time: Ten years ago.
BERT
'Ow goes it, Bill? BILL
Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes?
BERT
I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it?
BILL
Bloody.
BERT
Why? What's wrong?
BILL
Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong.
BERT

What's up then?
BILL
Nothing ain't right.
BERT
Why, wot's the worry?
BILL
Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then
they thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes,
like.
BERT
Why? You been on the carpet, Bill?
BILL
Ain't I! Proper.
BERT
Why, wot about, Bill?
BILL
Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's wot
about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving.
Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose.
BERT
Wot? The other day?
BILL
Yes.
BERT
Tuesday?
BILL
Yes.
BERT
Why. The one that dropped her bag?
BILL
Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she
shouldn't 'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to
me. Any more of it and I'll...
BERT
I wouldn't, Bill; don't you.
BILL
I will.

BERT
Don't you, Bill. You've got your family to consider.
BILL
Well, anyway, I won't let any more of them passengers go jumping into
trains any more, not when they're moving, I won't. When the train gets
in, doors shut. That's the rule. And they'll 'ave to abide by it.
BERT
Well, I wouldn't stop one, not if...
BILL
I don't care. They ain't going to 'ave me on the mat again and talk all
that stuff to me. No, if someone 'as to suffer . . . 'Ere she is.
[Noise of approaching train heard.]
BERT
Ay, that's her.
BILL
And shut goes the door.
[Enter JOHN BEAL.]
BERT
Wait a moment, Bill.
BILL
Not if he's . . . Not if he was ever so.
JOHN [preparing to pass]
Good morning. . . .
BILL
Can't come through. Too late.
JOHN
Too late? Why, the train's only just in.
BILL
Don't care. It's the rule.
JOHN
O, nonsense. [He carries on.]
BILL
It's too late. I tell you you can't come.
JOHN
But that's absurd. I want to catch my train.
BILL
It's too late.

BERT
Let him go, Bill. BILL
I'm blowed if I let him go.
JOHN
I want to catch my train.
[JOHN is stopped by BILL and pushed back by the face. JOHN
advances towards BILL looking like fighting. The train has gone.]
BILL
Only doing my duty.
[JOHN stops and reflects at this, deciding it isn't good enough. He
shrugs his shoulders, turns round and goes away.]
JOHN
I shouldn't be surprised if I didn't get even with you one of these days,
you . . . . . and some way you won't expect.
Curtain
SCENE 2 Yesterday evening.
[Curtain rises on JOHN and MARY in their suburban home.]
JOHN
I say, dear. Don't you think we ought to