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merit. It was my woman's heart, which
must worship in order to love.
My father-in-law's house was old in dignity from the days of the
__Badshahs__. Some of its manners were of the Moguls and Pathans,
some of its customs of Manu and Parashar. But my husband was
absolutely modern. He was the first of the house to go through a
college course and take his M.A. degree. His elder brother had died
young, of drink, and had left no children. My husband did not drink and
was not given to dissipation. So foreign to the family was this
abstinence, that to many it hardly seemed decent! Purity, they imagined,
was only becoming in those on whom fortune had not smiled. It is the
moon which has room for stains, not the stars.
My husband's parents had died long ago, and his old grandmother was
mistress of the house. My husband was the apple of her eye, the jewel
on her bosom. And so he never met with much difficulty in
overstepping any of the ancient usages. When he brought in Miss Gilby,
to teach me and be my companion, he stuck to his resolve in spite of
the poison secreted by all the wagging tongues at home and outside.
My husband had then just got through his B.A. examination and was
reading for his M.A. degree; so he had to stay in Calcutta to attend
college. He used to write to me almost every day, a few lines only, and
simple words, but his bold, round handwriting would look up into my
face, oh, so tenderly! I kept his letters in a sandalwood box and covered
them every day with the flowers I gathered in the garden.

At that time the Prince of the fairy tale had faded, like the moon in the
morning light. I had the Prince of my real world enthroned in my heart.
I was his queen. I had my seat by his side. But my real joy was, that my
true place was at his feet.
Since then, I have been educated, and introduced to the modern age in
its own language, and therefore these words that I write seem to blush
with shame in their prose setting. Except for my acquaintance with this
modern standard of life, I should know, quite naturally, that just as my
being born a woman was not in my own hands, so the element of
devotion in woman's love is not like a hackneyed passage quoted from
a romantic poem to be piously written down in round hand in a
school-girl's copy-book.
But my husband would not give me any opportunity for worship. That
was his greatness. They are cowards who claim absolute devotion from
their wives as their right; that is a humiliation for both.
His love for me seemed to overflow my limits by its flood of wealth
and service. But my necessity was more for giving than for receiving;
for love is a vagabond, who can make his flowers bloom in the wayside
dust, better than in the crystal jars kept in the drawing-room.
My husband could not break completely with the old-time traditions
which prevailed in our family. It was difficult, therefore, for us to meet
at any hour of the day we pleased. [4] I knew exactly the time that he
could come to me, and therefore our meeting had all the care of loving
preparation. It was like the rhyming of a poem; it had to come through
the path of the metre.
After finishing the day's work and taking my afternoon bath, I would
do up my hair and renew my vermilion mark and put on my __sari__,
carefully crinkled; and then, bringing back my body and mind from all
distractions of household duties, I would dedicate it at this special hour,
with special ceremonies, to one individual. That time, each day, with
him was short; but it was infinite.
My husband used to say, that man and wife are equal in love because of

their equal claim on each other. I never argued the point with him, but
my heart said that devotion never stands in the way of true equality; it
only raises the level of the ground of meeting. Therefore the joy of the
higher equality remains permanent; it never slides down to the vulgar
level of triviality.
My beloved, it was worthy of you that you never expected worship
from me. But if you had accepted it, you would have done me a real
service. You showed your love by decorating me, by educating me, by
giving me what I asked for, and what I did not. I have seen what depth
of love there was in your eyes when you gazed at me. I have known the
secret