Her Own Way | Page 2

like ice cream!
ELAINE. [To TOOTS.] Sh!
PHILIP. What comes next, Moles?
MOLES. I don't know, sir.
[He goes out.
ELAINE. T'ain't manners to ask, anyway, Phil.
PHILIP. Who cares! It's my birthday!
CHRISTOPHER. When will it be my birthday?
[The FOOTMAN re?nters with plates, followed by MOLES, with silver dish of croquettes.
PHILIP. Here it comes; what is it?
MOLES. Chicken croquettes, sir.
PHILIP. Left overs! Had chicken yesterday! Bring 'em here first!
MOLES. No, ladies first, sir.
[Serves ELAINE.
LIZZIE. And besides, Miss Elaine is company.
[MOLES serves CHRISTOPHER.
PHILIP. That's all right. S'long it's Elaine, everything goes!
ELAINE. Phil!
[Sliding down from her chair, she runs to him and kisses him.
PHILIP. [Hopelessly embarrassed.] Don't! not in front of everybody!
ELAINE. But I do love you, Phil, and you're my beau, and I'm so glad it's your birthday.
[Goes back to her place unashamed and contented.
[MOLES serves PHILIP.
LIZZIE. You oughtn't to talk about beaux at your age, Miss--ought Miss Elaine?
[To MOLES with a knowing glance.
MOLES. I ain't discussing the sex with you, Lizzie, but I will say all the girls I've known, began talking about beaux early and ended late.
CHRISTOPHER. I heard Lizzie and Moles talking about Aunt Georgiana's beau!
LIZZIE. Sh!
[FOOTMAN goes out with the croquette dish.
ELAINE. Mr. Dick Coleman's Miss Carley's beau!
PHILIP. No, he isn't! Mr. Dick's known Aunt Georgiana always, they're just little boy and girl friends. Lizzie says she's Cousin Sammy Coast's sweetheart.
LIZZIE. [Indignant, though convulsed.] I never did!
PHILIP. Yes, you did! To Maggie when you thought I wasn't paying attention.
[LIZZIE and MOLES exchange amused glances.
ELAINE. But Mr. Coast's your auntie's cousin; and your cousin can't be your beau.
PHILIP. He ain't any relation to Auntie Georgiana. Mamma said so. Mr. Coast's mamma's cousin, and grandma's nephew, but grandma isn't any real relation to auntie.
CHRISTOPHER. How?
PHILIP. I don't know how, only Aunt Georgiana had a different mamma, she didn't have grandma.
ELAINE. And the same papa!
PHILIP. Not all the time, mamma had another papa first.
CHRISTOPHER. It's sort of mixy, isn't it?
PHILIP. Yes, I guess mamma and Aunt Georgy are sort of divorced sisters!
ELAINE. Oh!
[As if that explained it.
TOOTS. [Beating the table.] Lemmlelade! lemmlelade!
[MOLES crosses to pitcher and serves TOOTS first, then the others.
PHILIP. Toots, you're getting tipsy!
[The children laugh.
CHRISTOPHER. Cousin Sammy comes to see Aunt Georgiana nearly every day.
PHILIP. Yes--he's begun to bring toys just like some of the others did.
CHRISTOPHER. [With his mouth full.] Hobby horse! Hobby horse!
[Pointing to the hobby horse.
LIZZIE. Don't talk with your mouth full, Mr. Christopher.
PHILIP. [Shouting.] He'll choke! He'll choke!
[All laugh, tremendously amused.
MOLES. Mr. Coast is a very fine gentleman.
PHILIP. Oh, I know! I saw him give you a dollar the other day, when he came to see auntie, and you advised his waiting and said auntie'd be in by five.
LIZZIE. Isn't he a case!
MOLES. He certainly is.
[Returns pitcher to table on the Left.
CHRISTOPHER. I like Mr. Dick best. He's always taking us places and things.
TOOTS. [Who has finished his croquette and is now ready for conversation.] Um! Circus!
PHILIP. And not just 'cause he's stuck on auntie.
MOLES. You oughtn't to use that expression, Mr. Philip.
PHILIP. Why not! you do. I heard you tell Lizzie you were stuck on her last Sunday.
LIZZIE. [Blushing.] Oh, my!
CHRISTOPHER. Mr. Dick's a soldier!
PHILIP. Yes, siree! He helped stop a strike of street cars in Brooklyn. His name was in the papers!
CHRISTOPHER. He was hurted bad, and if he was dead, he'd have a monnyment with "Hero" embroidered on it. Aunt Georgiana said so!
ELAINE. I should think Miss Georgiana was too old, anyway, to have beaux.
CHRISTOPHER. Oh, awful old!
LIZZIE. Oh! Miss Carley isn't so old!
PHILIP. Yes, she is, too! She's our old maid aunt.
ELAINE. If she wasn't old, she'd be married. It must be awful to be so old.
PHILIP. She's nearly thirty, I guess.
ALL THE CHILDREN. Oh!
[Loud and long.
CHRISTOPHER. You'll be deader soon after thirty, won't you?
TOOTS. [Crying.] I don't want Auntie Georgiana to be a deader!
PHILIP. [Bored.] Shut up!
LIZZIE. [Comes to TOOTS and comforts him.] Toots, dear!
PHILIP. I'm glad Aunt Georgiana's an old maid, 'cause I don't want her to leave us.
[FOOTMAN enters and stands at the Right.]
She gave me my birthday party.
MOLES. Yes, and this whole house'd miss your aunt, I can tell you that, Mr. Philip. [Takes away the plates.] She just keeps things going smooth with everybody.
PHILIP. I told her I saw you kiss Lizzie on the back stairs, Saturday.
MOLES. What!
[Gives dishes to the FOOTMAN.
LIZZIE. He didn't! He didn't!
PHILIP. Yes, that's what Aunt Georgiana said, but I know better, and so does she, I guess!
LIZZIE. Isn't he a case!
[MOLES goes out with the FOOTMAN.
PHILIP. Now what?
CHRISTOPHER. Soup!
PHILIP. Ice cream! I want ice cream!
LIZZIE. Sh!
ELAINE. My mamma don't let my brothers behave so at the table.
PHILIP. Neither don't we, 'cept our birthdays.
[MOLES re?nters with a tray and plates.
CHRISTOPHER. What is it?
PHILIP. [Screams.] Eeh! Ice cream! It's ice cream!
LIZZIE. Sh!
PHILIP. Go ahead, dish it out!
[Laughs.
[MOLES serves ice cream to ELAINE, then to PHILIP, TOOTS, and