Headlong Hall | Page 6

with cold, they would have done so with fear. The Squire shook him
heartily by the hand, and congratulated him on his safe arrival at
Headlong Hall. The Doctor returned the squeeze, and assured him that
the congratulation was by no means misapplied.
Next came the three philosophers, highly delighted with their walk, and
full of rapturous exclamations on the sublime beauties of the scenery.
The Doctor shrugged up his shoulders, and confessed he preferred the
scenery of Putney and Kew, where a man could go comfortably to sleep
in his chaise, without being in momentary terror of being hurled
headlong down a precipice.
Mr Milestone observed, that there were great capabilities in the scenery,
but it wanted shaving and polishing. If he could but have it under his
care for a single twelvemonth, he assured them no one would be able to
know it again.
Mr Jenkison thought the scenery was just what it ought to be, and
required no alteration.
Mr Foster thought it could be improved, but doubted if that effect
would be produced by the system of Mr Milestone.
Mr Escot did not think that any human being could improve it, but had

no doubt of its having changed very considerably for the worse, since
the days when the now barren rocks were covered with the immense
forest of Snowdon, which must have contained a very fine race of wild
men, not less than ten feet high.
The next arrival was that of Mr Cranium, and his lovely daughter Miss
Cephalis Cranium, who flew to the arms of her dear friend Caprioletta,
with all that warmth of friendship which young ladies usually assume
towards each other in the presence of young gentlemen.[3.2]
Miss Cephalis blushed like a carnation at the sight of Mr Escot, and Mr
Escot glowed like a corn-poppy at the sight of Miss Cephalis. It was at
least obvious to all observers, that he could imagine the possibility of
one change for the better, even in this terrestrial theatre of universal
deterioration.
Mr Cranium's eyes wandered from Mr Escot to his daughter, and from
his daughter to Mr Escot; and his complexion, in the course of the
scrutiny, underwent several variations, from the dark red of the peony
to the deep blue of the convolvulus.
Mr Escot had formerly been the received lover of Miss Cephalis, till he
incurred the indignation of her father by laughing at a very profound
craniological dissertation which the old gentleman delivered; nor had
Mr Escot yet discovered the means of mollifying his wrath.
Mr Cranium carried in his own hands a bag, the contents of which were
too precious to be intrusted to any one but himself; and earnestly
entreated to be shown to the chamber appropriated for his reception,
that he might deposit his treasure in safety. The little butler was
accordingly summoned to conduct him to his cubiculum.
Next arrived a post-chaise, carrying four insides, whose extreme
thinness enabled them to travel thus economically without experiencing
the slightest inconvenience. These four personages were, two very
profound critics, Mr Gall and Mr Treacle, who followed the trade of
reviewers, but occasionally indulged themselves in the composition of
bad poetry; and two very multitudinous versifiers, Mr Nightshade and

Mr Mac Laurel, who followed the trade of poetry, but occasionally
indulged themselves in the composition of bad criticism. Mr
Nightshade and Mr Mac Laurel were the two senior lieutenants of a
very formidable corps of critics, of whom Timothy Treacle, Esquire,
was captain, and Geoffrey Gall, Esquire, generalissimo.
The last arrivals were Mr Cornelius Chromatic, the most profound and
scientific of all amateurs of the fiddle, with his two blooming daughters,
Miss Tenorina and Miss Graziosa; Sir Patrick O'Prism, a dilettante
painter of high renown, and his maiden aunt, Miss Philomela
Poppyseed, an indefatigable compounder of novels, written for the
express purpose of supporting every species of superstition and
prejudice; and Mr Panscope, the chemical, botanical, geological,
astronomical, mathematical, metaphysical, meteorological, anatomical,
physiological, galvanistical, musical, pictorial, bibliographical, critical
philosopher, who had run through the whole circle of the sciences, and
understood them all equally well.
Mr Milestone was impatient to take a walk round the grounds, that he
might examine how far the system of clumping and levelling could be
carried advantageously into effect. The ladies retired to enjoy each
other's society in the first happy moments of meeting: the Reverend
Doctor Gaster sat by the library fire, in profound meditation over a
volume of the "Almanach des Gourmands:" Mr Panscope sat in the
opposite corner with a volume of Rees' Cyclopaedia: Mr Cranium was
busy upstairs: Mr Chromatic retreated to the music-room, where he
fiddled through a book of solos before the ringing of the first dinner
bell. The remainder of the party supported Mr Milestone's proposition;
and, accordingly,