Handbook Of Couples Therapy | Page 9

has
to tell us about the nat ure of couples functioning and the effectiveness of
our interventions. Stabb reviews both the literat ure on well-functioning
and dysfunctional couples and research that elucidates what is useful in
couples therapy interventions. Chapter 25 summarizes the multiplicit y of
threads that have been developed in the many outstanding contributions to
this volume. Couples therapy can be challenging work. Nonetheless, since couples
and families provide the major building blocks of our societ y, the work that
we do in shoring up the foundations has impact beyond those we touch di-
rectly. As we know from systems theories, the concentric circles of involve-
ment of the individuals who comprise our families and couples, within the
larger context of our communities and cult ures, makes our impact ricochet
from its point of impact to the entire pond. As such, couples therapists have
the possibilit y of being change agents at a much wider scale than they may
have believed. Good training in doing couples work thus becomes critical.
REFERENCE
Kreider, R. M., & Fields, J. M. (2002, February). Number, timing and duration of mar-
riages and divorces: 1996 (Current population reports). Washington, DC: U.S.
Depart ment of Commerce, U.S. Census Bureau.
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SECTION I
LIFE CYCLE STAGES
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7
CHAPTER 2
Premarital Counseling from thePAIR S Perspective
Lori H. Gordon, Robin Rose Temple, and Donald W. Adams
T
HE PREMARITAL COUPLEtreads a challenging path between falling in
love and solidifying a commit ment. Premarital couples seek profes-
sional help to prevent or to understand and resolve relationship diff i-
culties that may have arisen even before marriage. The stat us and
circumstances of premarital couples seeking help vary from the young-
and-inexperienced to the previously married (with or without children) to
long-term cohabiters who have not committed to marriage. The premarital
couple is wise to be cautious. Statistics tell us that the likelihood they will
f ind happiness and longevit y in marriage is despairingly low whereas 90%
of couples married during the years 1945 to 1949 made it to their 10-year
anniversary. Fort y years later, barely 70% of those married d uring the
years 1985 to 1989 celebrated a decade of wedded b liss—and the statistics
continue to decrease ( Fleming, 2003).
Premarital couples seek assurance that they can create a lifelong inti-
mate partnership. Each partner needs accurate concepts, conducive atti-
tudes, technical knowledge and skil ls, and practiced competencies to
sustain a loving relationship. As in ballroom dancing, the couple relation-
ship gains best through co-learning, by acquiring and practicing these in-
timate relationship skills together. The couple needs to acquire high levels
of skill to continue dancing lovingly in the face of changing family life
wit h it s unrelent ing and of ten discouraging economic, domest ic, and
parental responsibilities. The counselor, who wishes to effectively offer
such knowledge and skills to couples, needs to undertake relevant profes-
sional training. Such training is not yet established in most graduate clini-
cal prog rams.
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8LIFECYCLESTAGES
ABOUT PRACTICAL APPLICATION OFINTIMATE RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills ( PAIR S) is a curricu-lum for intimate relationship skills training. PAIR S grew from the ashes
of marital disaster. The creator and developer of PAIR S (co-author
Lori Gordon), on the de mise of her own 17-year marriage, set out to f ind
missing answers. PAIRS is drawn from many emerging humanizing in-
terpersonal therapies of the second half of the twentieth cent ury (Satir,
Casriel, Bach, Sager, Brandon, Framo, Bowen, Wynne, Perls, Guerney,
Brandon, Zilbergeld, etc.). PAIR S has evolved over 30 years. Gordon has
ref ined the keys to intimacy and shaped and polished the training exer-
cises needed to create deep personal tran sformative learning by relation-
ship partners. PAIR S has been experienced by tens of thousands of couples, many
who were on the brink of divorce ( DeMaria, 1998); and by tens of thou-
sands of individuals, wanting to develop skills to prevent a repeat of the
devastation of relationship breakup. Gordon’s self-help book for couples
and individuals, Passage to Intimacy (1993), presents the main ideas and ex-
ercises of PAIRS that can be learned at home and practiced outside the
classroom. Incisive descriptions and thoughtful discussions by PAIR S
Master Teachers, a review of research about PAIR S, and critical issues
such as the PAIR S Ethics Code for teachers are brought together in Build-
ing Intimate Relationships: Bridging Treatment, Education and Enrichment
through the PAIRS Program ( DeMaria & Hannah, 2003). The PAIR S experi-
ence signif icantly increases relationship satisfaction, sustainable love,
and commit ment.
A central tenet of PAIR S is that sustained intimacy is required to maintain a
lasting marriage. When intimacy, the deep emotional experience of loving
connection, is lost, the ground the marriage is built on becomes shaky.
Good will is then lost and the desire (and abilit y) to solve problems, over-
come obstacles, and persist in t he face of fear and uncertaint y, quickly
erodes. With its emphasis on intimacy, PAIR