Great Catherine (Whom Glory Still Adores) | Page 9

boots, and points one at the Sergeant and the other at
Patiomkin, who is sitting on the floor, somewhat sobered. The soldiers
stand irresolute.
EDSTASTON. Stand off. [To Patiomkin.] Order them off, if you don't
want a bullet through your silly head.
THE SERGEANT. Little Father, tell us what to do. Our lives are yours;
but God knows you are not fit to die.
PATIOMKIN [absurdly self-possessed]. Get out.
THE SERGEANT. Little Father--
PATIOMKIN [roaring]. Get out. Get out, all of you. [They withdraw,
much relieved at their escape from the pistol. Patiomkin attempts to rise,
and rolls over.] Here! help me up, will you? Don't you see that I'm
drunk and can't get up?
EDSTASTON [suspiciously]. You want to get hold of me.
PATIOMKIN [squatting resignedly against the chair on which his
clothes hang]. Very well, then: I shall stay where I am, because I'm
drunk and you're afraid of me.
EDSTASTON. I'm not afraid of you, damn you!
PATIOMKIN [ecstatically]. Darling, your lips are the gates of truth.
Now listen to me. [He marks off the items of his statement with
ridiculous stiff gestures of his head and arms, imitating a puppet.] You
are Captain Whatshisname; and your uncle is the Earl of
Whatdyecallum; and your father is Bishop of Thingummybob; and you
are a young man of the highest spr--promise (I told you I was drunk),
educated at Cambridge, and got your step as captain in the field at the
GLORIOUS battle of Bunker's Hill. Invalided home from America at
the request of Aunt Fanny, Lady-in-Waiting to the Queen. All right,
eh?
EDSTASTON. How do you know all this?
PATIOMKIN [crowing fantastically]. In er lerrer, darling, darling,
darling, darling. Lerrer you showed me.
EDSTASTON. But you didn't read it.
PATIOMKIN [flapping his fingers at him grotesquely]. Only one eye,
darling. Cross eye. Sees everything. Read lerrer inceince-istastaneously.
Kindly give me vinegar borle. Green borle. On'y to sober me. Too

drunk to speak porply. If you would be so kind, darling. Green borle.
[Edstaston, still suspicious, shakes his head and keeps his pistols ready.]
Reach it myself. [He reaches behind him up to the table, and snatches at
the green bottle, from which he takes a copious draught. Its effect is
appalling. His wry faces and agonized belchings are so heartrending
that they almost upset Edstaston. When the victim at last staggers to his
feet, he is a pale fragile nobleman, aged and quite sober, extremely
dignified in manner and address, though shaken by his recent
convulsions.] Young man, it is not better to be drunk than sober; but it
is happier. Goodness is not happiness. That is an epigram. But I have
overdone this. I am too sober to be good company. Let me redress the
balance. [He takes a generous draught of brandy, and recovers his
geniality.] Aha! That's better. And now listen, darling. You must not
come to Court with pistols in your boots.
EDSTASTON. I have found them useful.
PATIOMKIN. Nonsense. I'm your friend. You mistook my intention
because I was drunk. Now that I am sober--in moderation--I will prove
that I am your friend. Have some diamonds. [Roaring.] Hullo there!
Dogs, pigs: hullo!
The Sergeant comes in.
THE SERGEANT. God be praised, Little Father: you are still spared to
us.
PATIOMKIN. Tell them to bring some diamonds. Plenty of diamonds.
And rubies. Get out. [He aims a kick at the Sergeant, who flees.] Put up
your pistols, darling. I'll give you a pair with gold handgrips. I am your
friend.
EDSTASTON [replacing the pistols in his boots rather unwillingly].
Your Highness understands that if I am missing, or if anything happens
to me, there will be trouble.
PATIOMKIN [enthusiastically]. Call me darling.
EDSTASTON. It is not the English custom.
PATIOMKIN. You have no hearts, you English! [Slapping his right
breast.] Heart! Heart!
EDSTASTON. Pardon, your Highness: your heart is on the other side.
PATIOMKIN [surprised and impressed]. Is it? You are learned! You
are a doctor! You English are wonderful! We are barbarians, drunken
pigs. Catherine does not know it; but we are. Catherine's a German. But

I have given her a Russian heart [he is about to slap himself again.]
EDSTASTON [delicately]. The other side, your Highness.
PATIOMKIN [maudlin]. Darling, a true Russian has a heart on both
sides.
The Sergeant enters carrying a goblet filled with precious stones.
PATIOMKIN. Get out. [He snatches the goblet and kicks the Sergeant
out, not maliciously but from habit, indeed not noticing that he does it.]
Darling, have some diamonds. Have a fistful. [He takes up a handful
and lets them slip back through his fingers into the goblet, which he
then offers to Edstaston.]
EDSTASTON. Thank you, I don't take presents.
PATIOMKIN [amazed]. You refuse!
EDSTASTON. I thank your Highness; but it is not the custom