Good Stories from The Ladies Home Journal | Page 9

rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive a narrow-gauge mule into convulsions and make him hate himself t'death.

_A Long-Lived Family_
A "dime museum" manager, having heard of a man 123 years of age, journeyed to his home to try and secure him for exhibition purposes.
"Well, my friend," said the museum manager, "the proofs of your age seem to be all right. Now, how would you like to come to my place, just do nothing but sit on a platform and let people look at you, and I will pay you $100 a week ?"
"I'd like it all right," answered the aged man. "But I couldn't go, of course, unless I had my father's consent."
"Your father!" gasped the manager. "Do you mean to say your father is alive?"
"Yes, indeed," replied the man.
"Well, where is your father? Home here?" asked the manager.
"Oh, yes," was the answer. "He's upstairs, putting grandfather to bed!"

Silenced the Ringleader The head teacher in a Sunday-school was much worried by the noise of the pupils in the next room, At last, unable to bear it any longer, he mounted a chair and looked over the partition. Seeing a boy a little taller than the others talking a great deal, he leaned over, hoisted him over the partition, and banged him into a chair in his room, saying:
"Now be quiet."
A quarter of an hour later a smaller head appeared around the door and a meek little voice said:
"Please, sir, you've got our teacher."

_Got Out of That, All Right_
"My dear," said a wife to her husband, "do you realize that you have forgotten that this is my birthday ?"
"Yes, dearie, I did forget it," replied the husband. "Isn't it natural that I should? There isn't really anything about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago."

He Simply Looked That Way The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell from a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, for example," he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?" He was right.
"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "I should say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right.
The other two men got interested.
"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man.
"That's right, too," said the New Englander.
"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man.
"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sick for three months: that's what makes me look that way!"

What She Would Like A little girl stood in a city meat-market waiting for some one to attend to her wants. Finally the proprietor was at liberty, approached her and said benignantly, "Is there anything you would like, little girl?"
"Oh, yes, sir, please: I want a diamond ring, and a seal-skin sacque, a real foreign nobleman, and a pug dog, and a box at the opera, and, oh, ever so many other things; but all Ma wants is ten cents' worth of bologna."

The Highest Price in the Store A rich American woman visited a Japanese art shop in Paris. It happened to be a dull, dark afternoon. She looked at the bronzes, jewels, drawings and other things, and finally, pointing toward a dusky corner, she said to the polite young salesman: "How much is that Japanese idol over there worth?"
The salesman bowed, and answered: "About five hundred thousand francs, madam. It is the proprietor."

From Different Points "Father, you were born in California, you say?"
"Yes, my son."
"And mother was born in New York ?"
"Yes."
"And I was born in Indiana?"
"Yes, my boy."
"Well, father, don't it beat the Dutch how we all got together!"

_So Son: So Father_?
A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then told that he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the far corner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother told him what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl under the bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, "Hello, Pop, is she after you, too?"

_How Could He_?
"Papa" was becoming impatient at the lateness of the hour when he remarked: "I can't see why that young fellow who is calling on Minnie hasn't sense enough to go home. It's near midnight."
"The dear little brother" of the family just then came in, heard his father's remark, and ventured some light:
"He can't go, father. Sister's sitting on him."

_Couldn't Leave Town_
A lawyer had a horse that always balked when he attempted to cross a certain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping or urging would induce him to cross it, so he advertised him for sale: "To be sold for no other reason than that the owner would like to leave town."

He Knew