Good Stories from The Ladies Home Journal | Page 2

take his warm overcoat off?" "No, sir." "Why not?" There was silence for a while, and then a little boy spoke up: "Please, sir, because God alone knows where the buttons are."

_The Young Housewife's Latest_
In the cook's absence the young mistress of the house undertook, with the help of a green waitress, to get the Sunday luncheon. The flurried maid, who had been struggling in the kitchen with a coffee machine that refused to work, confessed that she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.
"Well, never mind, Eliza. Go on with the coffee, and I'll do it," said the considerate mistress. "Where do you keep the soap?"

He Did His Best A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter:
"Have yez any whale?"
"No."
"Have yez any shark?"
"No."
"Have yez any swordfish?"
"No."
"Have yez any jellyfish?"
"No."
"All right," said the Irishman. "Then bring me ham and eggs and a beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish."

The Power Behind At a prayer-meeting a good old brother stood up and said he was glad to give the following testimony:
"My wife and I," he said, "started in life with hardly a cent in the world. We began at the lowest round of the ladder, but the Lord has been good to us and we have worked up--we have prospered. We bought a little farm and raised good crops. We have a good home and a nice family of children, and," he added with much emphasis, "I am the head of that family."
After he sat down his wife promptly arose to corroborate all that he had said. She said that they had started in life with hardly a cent, the Lord had been good to them and they had prospered; they did have a farm and good crops, and it was true they did have a fine family of children. But she added with satisfaction, "I am the neck that moves the head."

Easy Enough Some visitors who were being shown over a pauper lunatic asylum, says "Harper's Weekly," inquired of their guide what method was employed to discover when the inmates were sufficiently recovered to leave.
"Well," replied he, "you see, it's this way. We have a big trough of water, and we turns on the tap. We leave it running, and tells 'em to bail out the water with pails until they've emptied the trough."
"How does that prove it?" asked one of the visitors.
"Well," said the guide, "them as ain't idiots turns off the tap."

He Had Left the Cards All Right The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman--stupid but honest.
In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the man back with orders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her boudoir, and put them in his pocket.
At different houses, she told the footman to hand in one, and sometimes a couple, until at last she told Jeames to leave three at one house.
"Can't do it, mum."
"How's that?"
"I've only got two left--the ace of spades and the seven of clubs."

And That Settled It "If ye please, mum," said the ancient hero, in an appealing voice, as he stood at the back door of the cottage on washday, "I've lost my leg----"
"Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman fiercely,
And the door closed with a bang.

_What Do You Think the Porter Did_?
A lady in the centre seat of the parlor car heard the request of a fellow-passenger directly opposite asking the porter to open the window, and, scenting a draft, she immediately drew a cloak about her.
"Porter, if that window is opened," she snapped testily, "I shall freeze to death."
"And if the window is kept closed," returned the other passenger, "I shall surely suffocate."
The poor porter stood absolutely puzzled between the two fires.
"Say, boss," he finally said to a commercial traveler seated near by, "what would you do?"
"Do?" echoed the traveler. "Why, man, that is a very simple matter; open the window and freeze one lady. Then close it and suffocate the other."

She Said It A visitor of noble birth was expected to arrive at a large country house in the North of England, and the daughter of the house, aged seven, was receiving final instructions from her mother.
"And now, dear," she said, "when the Duke speaks to you do not forget always to say 'your Grace.'"
Presently the great man arrived, and after greeting his host and hostess he said to the child, "Well, my dear, and what is your name?" Judge of his surprise when the little girl solemnly closed her eyes and with clasped hands exclaimed, "For what we are about to receive may we be truly fankful, amen."

His Idea of Genius A young man once said to Thomas A. Edison,